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Open Letter to all Husbands

by Mothership on February 6, 2009

 

Gentlemen,

We would like to introduce you to a number of amazing new inventions that you may not have heard of. They are rumoured to expedite some of those tedious and time consuming processes in which you might find yourself pressed to participate upon occasion.

Now don’t be afraid, we’re not asking you for your hard-earned cash – we’re not out to take a single penny out of your wallet! In fact, many of these incredible items may already be in your home! You can just use what you already have without spending another dime!

Save time! Save money! Amaze your wife! Astound your friends!

Demonstrate skills you never dreamed you’d have as you casually prove you are not only head of the household but heads up in the domestic domain too.

 

Number 1: The Dishwasher

This nifty contraption is often white in colour, but will occasionally, cunningly, disguise itself to match other more familiar appliances, such as the refrigerator. The big clue to finding it is that your wife can often be found putting dirty dishes* in it, and taking clean ones out an hour or so later. It is almost like magic! And you thought it was just another cabinet.. 

Please Note: There is one snag. You do have to put the plates into it. We haven’t quite yet figured out how to get them to migrate from the counter above into the machine itself (working on it though, promise!), so we’re banking on your brute strength and superior intelligence to get those plates in, boys!

If you really want to get the little lady in your life to think you’re swell, you can take the ‘magicked’ plates out and put them back in the “cupboards”. Sure to earn you that extra smile!

 

*These are the ones that have already had food on them.

 

Number 2: The Towel Rail


This crafty little number is for hanging up- you guessed it! – TOWELS!

 

Here’s the deal: When you go into the bathroom, you find a clean, dry towel hanging on the rail. When you’re done with it, put it back. Now guess what?

Next time you need one it is dry again!!

How about that?! No more soggy, cold, wet bacteria-ridden cloths for you!  It even works for the bath mat!

How do they think these things up? That’s what I want to know..

 

Number 3: The Toilet Brush

 

Ever wonder what that thing that looks like a giant, bristly Q-tip-in-a-bucket next to the commode is for?

No, it’s not a tool for grooming giants’ eyebrows, nor is it a safety sword for fencing practice.

It’s a toilet brush!

Here’s how it works:

After a bountiful session on the throne, a king, such as yourself, might find that his mighty harvest leaves a little windfall on the bowl, even after flushing. 

Now some rulers might consider it downright selfish to deny testimony of the fruits of his labour from loyal subjects who may follow him into the bathroom. However we can assure you that olfactory evidence is proof enough for anyone, and getting rid of the unsightly smears is just plain, old-fashioned good manners.

It’s pretty simple when you get the hang of it. No harder than, say, nuclear physics or brushing your teeth.

First and foremost, make sure that the bowl is empty of matter. This can be achieved by flushing the chain. Lift the lid, then pick up the brush from its receptacle, swish and scrub around the bowl across the offending stain (several times for a stubborn one) and Voila! It’s as if it had never been there!

If you’re feeling extremely daring you can even pair this with a squirt of Toilet Duck (not for human consumption), but we only recommend this for advanced users.

 

Number Four: The Laundry Basket

 

We get a lot of letters about this one from anxious women all over the planet. They are worried about your failing eyesight and cognitive abilities. Is it something they did? Are they not feeding you the correct balance of vitamins and minerals?

The laundry basket can be a little harder to spot than some of the previous numbers. This is because it is, sadly, not a standardised shape or colour and is not always clearly marked. Some of them live in bedrooms, others in bathrooms, and many are in places that seem downright illogical. 
A lot of men find it hard to place items in these task-specific receptacles and we believe that the chief cause is due to them being hard to identify. Indeed there is growing research which indicates most dirty clothes are deposited on the floor within a 3′ radius of the laundry bin and this fact alone is contributing to a sharp national upswing in antidepressant use for married/cohabiting women between the ages of 19 and 72.

Fellas, it’s time to put the ladies out of their misery and show them that you know your balls from your baskets. You’ll bring cheer to everyone’s heart and along the way some of those strange piles of cloth on the floor will cease to appear and trip you up on your way to the fridge for that ever-elusive beverage..

Finding the basket is a cinch:

Get a raincoat, a pair of dark glasses and a pork-pie hat. A newspaper with holes cut out for your eyes to look through is a plus, but not strictly necessary. You may need to follow your partner around for up to a week but eventually she will be forced to take some clothes to the washing machine. This is when you need to pay attention.

The dirty clothes will have been stored in the laundry basket before they are moved to the machine!! 

The rest is basic stuff:  When you have dirty clothes, you put them in the laundry basket! If it is not right where you are standing, you can walk to it, it’s okay!
It’s also okay if you want to walk over to it before you start undressing.
We don’t mind! It’s all good!!

 

*For advanced users there is an additional light/dark sorting option, but make sure you can walk before you run, boys!

 

 

 

Now, we know that you are Very Busy and Important, so we’re not going to overwhelm you with Too Much Information at this time.

We believe that it’s best to understand a little thing in a big way, not a big thing in a little way and we know you feel the same.

We will be back with more Amazing Inventions you May Already Own, and we’d love to hear your success stories with the ones we have brought to you so far.

 

Good luck and Happy Householding!

 

Mothership

{ 6 comments }

1 Big Papa February 6, 2009 at 3:25 pm

Take it from a guy with no dishwasher, make him wash dishes by hand for a little while and he will never again forget to put dishes in the dishwasher.

2 Mothership February 6, 2009 at 8:17 pm

Big Papa. My own dear Husband has the perverse view that washing dishes by hand is somehow superior and more environmentally friendly (despite several academic studies to the contrary). This causes him to leave dishes languishing by the sink for several days while he mentally prepares himself for the task of cleaning them. In the meantime I plot his untimely death.

3 Red Shoes February 12, 2009 at 4:11 pm

Does this handy tutorial work for same sex spouses as well? If so, I am forever in your debt.

Red Shoes’s last blog post..13 Days of Grace

4 Mothership February 12, 2009 at 7:44 pm

Red Shoes, I am grateful to you for bringing this oversight to my attention. I am certain it will work for your spouse and I shall take care to address it to everybody in future so that I can offend them just as much as I did my own partner with this post.

5 JenM June 22, 2012 at 9:24 pm

I just came across your blog via pinterest and your friend LLG.
I know it’s a long time ago however this is sensational and gave me such a laugh.
You have reassured me that I am not alone in my quest to get my husband to do these tasks

6 Mothership June 25, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I’m glad you enjoyed this and thanks for dropping by. If it’s any consolation I STILL haven’t gotten mine to find the dishwasher though he’s doing better on the laundry basket.. xo

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