Waste Management

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to recommend One as a candidate for a position with your organisation.

During his tenure with us (June 2007 – present) he has demonstrated a growing ability and commitment to waste management.

From the early days of self -evacuation to his recent triumphant disposal of an unnamed executive’s Blackberry Storm in downstairs toilet whilst its owner was foolishly engaged in human interaction, we feel that he has clearly shown where his not inconsiderable talents lie. 

One displays a great capacity for working on his own initiative. He led the team in charge of dumping $300 of prescription migraine medicine in the diaper pail and was also the brains behind the scheme to reduce the nuisance of unopened mail by single-handedly rerouting it directly to the recycling bin. 

One is also a great team player and can often be found with his colleagues usefully throwing essential kitchen items over the garden fence in order to raise morale and establish local brand awareness. We recall one memorable day he and another employee buried the CEO’s car keys as a teambuilding exercise.  It was a huge success! The entire company came along for the treasure hunt. The fact that the keys were never recovered stands testimony to One’s superior abilities.

While we do concede that his written and verbal skills may be slightly below the standard usually witnessed at this entry level, we are confident that he will be more than able to communicate his needs via alternative means such as shrieking, hitting and running away, universally understood in any language. He is adept at following directions, if he so chooses and can be persuaded to do almost anything for a sticky bun.

We shall be very sad to lose him, of course, but his skills now far outstrip any task that we can provide for him here and we know he will be much happier with your company.

Plus we need the money.
Yours Sincerely,


14 thoughts on “Waste Management

  1. Jessica K says:

    My mom recently dropped her (govt issued) blackberry in a clean toilet. Fortunately she was due for an upgrade.
    And I too will do almost anything for a sticky bun.
    I like ones way of sorting mail and will start doing that.

  2. Domestic Engineer says:

    laughing at the thought of these escapades…how lucky you are to have such a talented, young “professional”…

  3. Cannot believe there have been no job offers yet.
    Must be the economic downturn.
    Coding Mama, the Blackberry never recovered. The owner deserved it.
    Tawny. This is bad news. I was holding out hope for several items including approximately 5 billion earplugs, sorely needed due to Husband’s terrible snoring habit. Might have to purchase axe instead (for use on Husband, not One)
    Jaywalker. This is a fantastic idea. One not very reliable in terms of seeing projects through to conclusion so Weepette could very well be perfect solution for prospective employer. Also has international aspect – very attractive.
    Jessica. Don’t o do the mail sorting yourself. I am sending One to you directly, no need to return for 16 years or so.
    Domestic engineer. He is available at very modest rates…

  4. Jessica K says:

    One wouod fit right in – when you have 3, one more is exponential. And then my angel would not have middle child syndrome. With 4, there is no middle.
    But can I have Four too? I have no girls, and I keep trying to steal Hannah’s, but she always catches me.

  5. May I suggest a merger with Son #1 (Sept 2004 – to present)? His talents lie more in the investgative field (shall we say). One of his most outstanding and creative ventures to date was investigating how to blow up the microwave; which he managed with a huge degree of success and aplomb. Added to this #1 can bridge the verbal skills gap with him a vocal sophistication that knows no bounds; he specialises in the awkward question; the use of the word “why” and can counter any argument with the wisely judged words “because it was funny”. I feel an outstanding partnership is in the offing
    Yours etc


    Katherine’s last blog post..coffee, chocolate and choices

  6. Tara, what is it with the bin? One likes to trap his fingers in it too. Doesn’t seem to learn. A bit like a dog who thinks he has to get his head hit by the door before he can go outside..
    Jo, I’m encouraged that you think he’s in with a good chance! But yes, he may well put his earnings somewhere inaccessible before we get hold of them..
    Katherine, I think that #1 might actually do better founding an empire with Four. My knees are quaking at the thought. Look out world, take cover..

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