The Blog Gimp

by Mothership on March 5, 2009

I started this blog so I would be able to keep a record of the little moments that occur with the children that I would be bound to forget. I thought it would be full of delightful little anecdotes and sweet reports of charming things my offspring had said and done, the hilarious occurrences in the daily life of a young family.

What I failed to take into consideration was that I, not my fictional self,  was part of this family and that it was not going to be possible to divorce my intrinsic darkness from this process and indeed the sullen, sarky-voiced nihilist in the trunk I have been sitting on, hard, since we moved to Stepford, (or in fact since I married Husband – hah! Fooled him!) was going to come hurtling out onto the page, like the Gimp, as soon as she thought the coast was clear.

Hello, World! She says. Who can I shit all over today?

I do manage to restrain myself most days, partly because I was fool enough to tell a few people that I know the URL, but I spend quite a bit of time holding down the delete button when some particularly satisfying piece of gratuitous nastiness trips out. It is harder, though,  to make myself do this when I find a superlatively eloquent phrase that describes my target with vicious accuracy.

The glee! The glee! The second-hand, passive-aggressive, demonically cackling, unrepentant, absolute and resolute delight in being much more horrible than I would dare to be in person. It’s quite exhilarating, you know! It’s what enables me to put on my apron and whip up cupcakes with a smile in my pink Kitchen-Aid mixer that I cunningly bought to disguise myself as a proper mother when I moved here so the other people would think I’d assimilated. Yes, along with those whimsically shaped cake tins I’ve purchased  in droves. Hundreds of them. One for each thought crime. That’s why their house is bigger than mine.

I think that if I were involved in ‘good works’ I would probably not have time to think bad thoughts. However my rather long history upon this earth has shown that I’ve gone to extraordinary lengths to avoid doing any kind of real work, good or otherwise so perhaps we can deduce that I’ve actually expended quite a bit of effort towards ensuring I am free and clear to think the bad kind of thoughts. This makes me feel rather cheerful in a nasty sort of way.

Oh dear, I do hope Husband isn’t reading this. He’s so shockable and he does like to think the best of me. Honeymoon over?

If you’re reading this, Husband, please leave me a nice, reassuring comment! Please? Pretty please??

I am never quite sure whether Husband reads my blog or not.  He might be a silent LURKER.

I just had to take a short break from writing this to take Bagpurrito to the vet for a vaccination which terrified the poor darling, and do you know, I think the man was drunk? I have a sixth sense about this kind of thing having spent my formative years with an alcoholic. Kind of like my own personal booze-dar.  He was perfectly coherent, especially when talking about professional matters such as the cat’s mild chin acne (stress related, should disappear now he’s at home with a ‘nice family’ – little does the fool know, ha ha ha ha ha, lightening bolt, thunder, cackle cackle) but when he started to talk to me about more personal things – we have friends in common – he started repeating himself, blinking very slowly and laughing at his own jokes-as yet unmade.
A little disturbing?
Maybe, though, he wasn’t drunk, but merely testing the animal sedatives on himself which would make him almost noble or at least excuse him as naturally curious?
I think I will take Bagpurrito elsewhere if anything more serious than spots on the chin comes up, though.

So, back to the Gimp.
I find that she is most likely to want to come out when I am writing something fairly innocuous.
Like the other day when I was waxing lyrical about adverbs for Bambino Goodies.

It’s not that I didn’t mean it. I did.

I liked that piece and it was all very wholesome and cute, in its way.

But, like Reta, the protagonist from Carol ShieldsUnless, sometimes I can find

“that my writing is just the teensiest  bit darling”.

That’s when I want to get out my AK47 and blow everyone’s brains out.

Especially mine.

But not exclusively.

Told you I was nasty.

I have literary Colombine massacres in my head. They’re such fun and so very cathartic.

And because they take place in a contained, virtual space I don’t have to mop anything up afterwards (so DONE with cleaning – how much fucking Play-Doh did I pick off the dining room floor today alone?).
And as for doing time, aren’t I already doing that? I’m trapped in here with a psychotic madwoman and nobody’s going to let me out any time soon. Well, they might give me a day pass if I get hold of some strong psychotropics but the FDA is so miserly with that kind of thing and my once-strong network of unorthodox suppliers is an ocean and a 10 hour time difference away.

I think that is enough excitement for one evening, Gimp.

Back in the box. More jolly japes tomorrow. I might let you out later to leave anonymous comments on Rush Limbaugh‘s website if you’re really desperate. Otherwise go to bed.

She’s a good girl, really..

Now, what kind of cupcake would you like?


1 Kevin Fox Haley March 5, 2009 at 11:43 pm

I can guarantee you he had already caught a glimpse of the Gimp, and loved it!
It’s undeniably part of who you are, and what makes you SO damn interesting!!!

2 Jessica K March 6, 2009 at 3:00 am

I’m with Kev – I am sure he knows unless you’ve been in a tranquilizer induced fugue all this time.
I love this post! I struggle all the time to keep my dark and sarcastic thoughts to myself, especially at work, especially during meetings, when I have to restrain myself from telling people they are card carrying prats.
And in my family sarcasm = love, so I had to learn to tone it down as people who didnt grow up like that can be sensitive.
I always felt like a fraud around other moms with their cheerful positivism and would have to escape early. My friend H in DC for all of her appearance of bubbly cuteness is a hotbed of cynicism and we learned to kvetch to each other early on about the dark side of parenting, marriage and growing old.
Thankfully my kids are old enough to appreciate, share and even give back irreverence and gloom.
Finally, I missed you yesterday when M and I were trading catty and hilarious emails.

3 A Modern Mother March 6, 2009 at 6:18 am

There are a few things I would love to write about but the problem is that everyone I know and their cousin read my blog. I should have remained anonymous.

How is stepford these days? Did I tell you my granmother used to live there and I used to take the train in the summer from San Jose when I was little. Her favourite restaurant was Sambos!

A Modern Mother’s last blog post..A meme to myself…

4 katherine March 6, 2009 at 7:08 am

HERE HERE!!!! My pet hate is the “shabby chic” mothers who swan around they’re perfect little world…blah; I saw one today…the solicitors wife from down the round who lives in “the Big house”. She was unloading her shopping all nicely packed in eco friendly cloth bags; my problem was she was climbing out of a huge great dirty 4×4; with no evidence of off roading adventures etc. HA! Made me want to make throw a cup of green custard over her…

katherine’s last blog post..Tripping up in memory lane….

5 katherine March 6, 2009 at 8:03 am

Think that should be HEAR HEAR!!!! my command of proper written English is in decline apologies

katherine’s last blog post..Tripping up in memory lane….

6 Mothership March 6, 2009 at 12:28 pm

Kev; Thanks for the compliment! I’m touched by your faith in Husband, although not necessarily by your faith in my subterfuge skills. Still, he’s still around after all these years and it’s not like I haven’t had a few wobblies in that time 😉 I note he hasn’t left me a comment, though…
Jessica: I’m glad your children have been raised in the proper manner. So it’s not long before I can crush the Pollyanna out of mine and turn them into tiny nihilists like me? Oh, paragon of parenting that I am!! Hurrah! Jealous of your email volley. Have to join in next time.
Modern Mother: You’ll have to start an anonymous alter-ego blogsite – I can feel you itching to do it! Stepford is just the same although even we have felt the crunch of the credit and some of the shops on the big street have disappeared. Sambo’s is still standing with its questionable illustrations on the wall. Husband and I couldn’t BELIEVE it when we saw them upon arriving here- the book was pretty much banned, like the Robinson’s gollywog ,in the UK. The pancakes are ace, though and always a queue to get in for breakfast. My kids call it ‘the balloon restaurant’ because they hand them out free. Big draw.
Katherine: I’m with you on the discrepancy between the trend of green idea and the actuality of living it (Husband an environmental prof so we KNOW the dif). Here we have pref. parking for ‘compact cars’ and I often see giant 4×4’s and trucks parked in them. I have taken to writing rude notices and taping them to the windscreen “If you must drive a giant, gas-guzzling behemoth and take more than your fair share of the earth’s resources, at least don’t park in the spaces reserved for those with a better sense of global responsibility than you”. I actually pre-write these and have tape in the car. Husband, oddly, hates it that I do this, but he can hardly complain that I’m not doing anything to save the planet! I consider myself an eco-revolutionary! And the gimp gets an outing..
Decline of English entirely forgivable in busy mothers. All others should be shot.

7 Cassandra March 6, 2009 at 12:32 pm

Too hammered to write anything witty or insightful but WITH YOU ALL THE FUCKING WAY SISTER

Cassandra’s last blog post..So, why the Castle?

8 Jaywalker March 7, 2009 at 1:29 am

I think as long as I am ruder about myself than anyone else it is ok. That is basic premise.
Going out to shoot everyone now.

Jaywalker’s last blog post..Basingstoke

9 Mothership March 7, 2009 at 11:59 am

Cassandra, I’m glad you’re with me!
Jaywalker. I’m slightly disappointed you didn’t request a cupcake, but I know in my heart you’re better at them than me. Did you have fun on your outing?

10 A Modern Mother March 8, 2009 at 12:05 am

Can’t wait to meet you.

A Modern Mother’s last blog post..A meme to myself…

11 Natalie March 10, 2009 at 3:54 am

I love this post! I used to write in anonymity but over the years (jaysus I’ve been blogging for almost 5 years), I have lost that opportunity. I’ve gone through phases of being ambivalent about having a personal blog and have recently decided to start over afresh. My face still flushes up bright red when I remember the woman who read about me taking the mick out of her paint stripping ‘Blue Nun’ wine or when I opened up a newspaper quoting me as taking the mick out out of a date for having woeful BO… Your honesty is your strength – it’s what makes you real and it’s very difficult not to include yourself when writing about your children – it’s life!

12 The Mother March 10, 2009 at 10:18 am

Isn’t that what an anonymous blog is for? Whining, complaining, and letting the little evil voice in your head do its thing.

I find it an excellent addition to my active fantasy life, in which I am rich, gorgeous, (young,) and stomping on men with my stilettos.

I still have those fantasies, but the practical side of me needed a snide outlet. So the blog.

As for husbands, they know where are blogs are. If they’re brave enough to stop by. Mine shakes his head enough about what I say IN REAL LIFE, that I don’t think he has the gumption to read my blog.

The Mother’s last blog post..What? Celebrities Aren’t Good Role Models? Really?

13 katherine March 11, 2009 at 6:11 am

Y’know, you’ve inspired my inner gimp and now she doesn’t want to be culled. Currently, I am waging war against those drivers who believe that using a mobile phone whilst in transit to, ohhh I don’t know, finalise business details/ organise school runs/ book hair appointments etc etc is much more pressing than mowing me and my kids down at a busy junction. Also, when one has to brave a trip to ASDA (supermarket hell hole); will all those drivers who insist on using the mother and baby parking spaces to, ohhh, I don’t know, grab a bagel/top up their mobile phones etc etc; please observe me, my family and trolley full of shopping as we are about to get mowed down (do you sense a theme emerging here?) in the stupid, pedestrian unfriendly car park. I thank you…

katherine’s last blog post..Kids will be kids…?

14 adiaha March 13, 2009 at 4:17 pm

You mean to tell me that there are other people out there that secretly are as sarcastically witty and fierce as me. I welcome myself to the club and look forward to many more dark experiences with you!
Peace , Freak.

adiaha’s last blog post..Giving Up Carbon for Lent – Week2

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