Slow Connection

I have not posted for a little while because I have been away somewhere where the internet connection is painfully slow when there is one at all and I can hardly stand to check my email let alone write a post.

In addition to that I am on holiday with Five visiting my father and his family, Husband and Two having stayed at home, and it is incredibly nice not to have to cook or be responsible for any household tasks, and my little girl is completely ecstatic to be the youngest, in fact the only, child in the house and is busy being doted upon and fussed over by her grandparents and aunt. This has left me with quite a bit of free time which I could spend writing, but in fact I have spent lazing around reading books and eating chocolate or drinking cups of tea which have thoughtfully been made for me by other people while they look after my child.

I have not helped with the washing up.

I have not cleared anything away.

I have not offered to do anything useful.

This is very out of character for me and I am quite thrilled by the success of my daring impersonation of a spoiled, entitled Gen Y brat, and what’s more I seem to be getting away with it.

I could start wondering why there has been a sudden shift in family dynamic around here and do my usual amateur psych analysis of it all, but upon further consideration perhaps I will not scratch too hard upon the surface.

It’s all good! Why not enjoy the status quo for the time being.

While I was here I spoke to a family friend, a mother of three grown children,  who has recently given up her job working with a nonprofit to help women in prisons (fun!Not!) and decided to open a knitting shop instead (random!). She looked absolutely gorgeous and young and had a lovely, peaceful air about her. I complimented her on her youthful demeanour and on the decision to change her career so dramatically in her 50’s and asked her how she kept so calm and peaceful.

She said:
“I don’t worry anymore about anything. I realise I have very little control over events, things just happen, usually okay, sometimes not, but either way I can’t really control them. I’m pretty happy. My husband worries all the time. He’s not very happy. Me, I just don’t worry anymore, and it usually turns out just fine.”

Then she laughed joyously and walked off leaving me with my mouth hanging open.

When we first got here I was a bit anxious about no internet connection. How would I post? How would I check my email? How would Husband contact me if Two got ill? What if I needed an urgent, I don’t know, something or other? What if? How would? Facebook?Twitter? Blog? Cellphone? Aggh!

Then I realised that I couldn’t do any of those things.

All I could do was talk to the people I was with or hang around and read a book which was what I came for. If Two got ill, Husband would look after him – that’s why he has two parents. So I stopped worrying, Five just wanted to go swimming and didn’t give a hoot whether her hair was clean or she slept in dirty pajamas. I had long, important chats with my baby sister and enjoyably harangued my father about his nonexistent recycling habits. Life slowed down. I haven’t thought about what we’ll do tomorrow, we’ll get around to it… tomorrow.

I’m using the holiday as a practice run – let’s see if I can get through this without worrying too much, and if that’s all good, then we’ll see if I can bring it home with me. I will measure it in terms of how compulsively I need to check my email, post my blog and look on Facebook when I get back.

I sort of like the slow connection. It gives my feelings a chance to catch up with my brain.
I have a very quick mind that darts ahead of my feelings, but my emotions are a bit stupid and they often only arrive at the destination a few days later. Then they get all huffy because the brain has made a social arrangement without asking if they are available and then the two won’t communicate anymore. Meanwhile I am left trying, anxiously, to appease both sides  – it’s very worry provoking.
If we just slow it all down then perhaps I won’t need to worry because stuff will just happen and feelings will get a chance to react first and the brain can come to the rescue on practical matters in the aftermath.

I may have gotten a bit carried away with that little flight of fancy. It’s a bit late now  and I’m knackered but I’m not GOING TO WORRY if this is a mad, random post. I’m just going to put it up because the internet is, miraculously, working and I want to say hello to everyone.

Slowly connect.