Consummate Professional

This last week I have written very little, either for my book or for the blog, as I have been taken up with either looking after the children – Husband was away on a business trip – or else trying to prepare for my upcoming show in London.

Although it’s not quite a “This Is It” Michael Jackson production- it’s only going to be a couple of songs to a backing track at a nightclub – there was still some musical prep. to do which involved sending mixes whizzing over the internet between myself and the DJ/Producer in the UK, editing them on my music software so they’d be exactly as I wanted them, reeling in horror as my Mac G5 ( main music computer) died a horrible death, then issuing minute, obsessive, down-to-the-millisecond instructions to the poor DJ to do it for me which he did perfectly with utter professionalism and good cheer and even called me a Fabulous Diva while he was at it.

I like the way he thinks!

After all that malarkey was sorted out I wanted to sit down and have several cups of tea to recover from my computer-based trauma, but  I had to concede that as it had been some years since I performed these numbers it might be a good idea to have a bit of a singalong instead.

When I used to do proper concerts with my band I could always rely on there being a bunch of musicians on stage to create some kind of dynamic. Our songs were never mega-fast, ranging somewhere between 100bpm and 118bpm  - fairly standard pop radio tempos – so you got lots of time to stand around, pose, sing, dance, look at your band mates, get from A to B, pick your nose or whatever.
However dance remixes and the resultant club PA’s  are much faster – 130bpm and up.  As the singer you are up there on your ownio trying to sound as good as you can on systems not set up for live vocals, to a track that has been vastly speeded up from the original and you also have physically to cover quite a bit of space, all the while moving in time to a fast pumping beat.
Often you get a great reception from the crowd, particularly if your track is popular. But sometimes nobody pays a blind bit of attention and you can evem get open hostility from aggressive clubbers. I did one PA up north many years ago where the bouncers hustled me on to a stage surrounded by a cage of chicken wire to protect performers from being pelted with flying bottles – charming!

I do not expect any of this to happen at this show – after all, quite a lot of trouble has been expended to bring me there, and the size of my guest list is currently exceeding the capacity of the club so I can’t really lose. But by the same token, many people in the audience will know me personally and I’ll have to face them afterwards, so I can’t really do a half-assed job.

I am a consummate PROFESSIONAL!

Miked up with my trusty hairbrush and using the living room windows as a source of reflection I pushed the table back against the wall to create maximum floorspace and pressed play.

FAIL ONE: I did not remember the words. I had to look them up on the internet.
I wrote these songs, you know.

FAIL TWO: I kept on missing the cues. I had to stop the track at least 15 times and write down the number of bars in between the singing.

FAIL THREE: I choreographed some sick moves. I was well pleased. I forgot them immediately.

FAIL FOUR: I have been spending too much time doing hip-hop dancing and not enough time singing over the last year and I had forgotten that it is very difficult to do both at once without getting hideously out of breath.  I made the wrong choice and couldn’t sing the second song because I was hideously out of breath in a wheezing heap on the floor.

I think it is time to have those cups of tea.

After that I shall dust myself off, pick up my hairbrush and do some more rehearsing.

I will not rest until I know every single word, catch every single cue, remember how to dance (sort of) and sing at the same time.

By the time I hit London, I will be PERFECT! Better Than I Am Now!

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