Comments on: Learning Thanks http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/2009/11/19/learning-thanks/ After decades of urban sophistication, career hopping, and ambitious cocktail swilling, I traded it all for 11th hour parenthood. Apparently you can't just hand in your 2 weeks' notice for this one and there is no vacation.. Fri, 27 Jan 2012 08:06:52 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: A Modern Mother http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/2009/11/19/learning-thanks/comment-page-1/#comment-7917 A Modern Mother Thu, 26 Nov 2009 06:52:57 +0000 http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/?p=1726#comment-7917 Five will be fine. Mummy will be back soon, with lots of presence. Five will be fine. Mummy will be back soon, with lots of presence.

]]> By: geekymummy http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/2009/11/19/learning-thanks/comment-page-1/#comment-7783 geekymummy Sun, 22 Nov 2009 17:00:05 +0000 http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/?p=1726#comment-7783 It is so hard, and you express it very well. The important thing five and two will learn is that when mum goes away, she always comes back. Something I do is make a chart for the days I will be away, and leave a notecard in an envelope for them to open each day I'm gone, with a message for them, saying how I love and miss them or wish I could make pancakes with then, and a sticker for the chart. My daughter is younger (3 at the time) but this helped her cope with my trips and give her a sense of when I would be back. Its hard because small kids really don't understand why their mum or dad would rather be, or has to be, somewhere else and not with them. My daughter is genuinely scared that when I leave I won't come back. I think the fear of losing mum is very deep seated in children, even those with no reason to fear it. (Hence the reccuring themes motherless children in fairytales). I"m so sorry to hear that in your case the fear became reality. My daughter is always awful for a few days when I return, perhaps after trying to be good in my absence, while feeling strange and afraid. I think she has to prove to herself that I love her no matter how horrid she is. But then she will play "business trip", packing a bag and setting of on her own imaginary important adventure, which makes me feel proud of the example I'm setting. It is so hard, and you express it very well. The important thing five and two will learn is that when mum goes away, she always comes back. Something I do is make a chart for the days I will be away, and leave a notecard in an envelope for them to open each day I’m gone, with a message for them, saying how I love and miss them or wish I could make pancakes with then, and a sticker for the chart. My daughter is younger (3 at the time) but this helped her cope with my trips and give her a sense of when I would be back.
Its hard because small kids really don’t understand why their mum or dad would rather be, or has to be, somewhere else and not with them. My daughter is genuinely scared that when I leave I won’t come back. I think the fear of losing mum is very deep seated in children, even those with no reason to fear it. (Hence the reccuring themes motherless children in fairytales). I”m so sorry to hear that in your case the fear became reality.
My daughter is always awful for a few days when I return, perhaps after trying to be good in my absence, while feeling strange and afraid. I think she has to prove to herself that I love her no matter how horrid she is. But then she will play “business trip”, packing a bag and setting of on her own imaginary important adventure, which makes me feel proud of the example I’m setting.

]]> By: Cassandra http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/2009/11/19/learning-thanks/comment-page-1/#comment-7753 Cassandra Sat, 21 Nov 2009 22:20:57 +0000 http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/?p=1726#comment-7753 Am late to comment as usual but you know what? There is NEVER a good time to leave your kids for a while. But you HAVE to do it. I know that's a bit rich coming from hermit-chops-mentalist village person pigwoman but it is true. Otherwise we will go mad and end up in an attic in the manner of the first Mrs Rochester. Children will always guilt trip their parents. I agree that you handled it very well indeed. She's a very lucky girl. Fx Am late to comment as usual but you know what? There is NEVER a good time to leave your kids for a while. But you HAVE to do it. I know that’s a bit rich coming from hermit-chops-mentalist village person pigwoman but it is true. Otherwise we will go mad and end up in an attic in the manner of the first Mrs Rochester. Children will always guilt trip their parents. I agree that you handled it very well indeed. She’s a very lucky girl. Fx

]]> By: Mothership http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/2009/11/19/learning-thanks/comment-page-1/#comment-7726 Mothership Sat, 21 Nov 2009 04:31:43 +0000 http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/?p=1726#comment-7726 wow, thanks everyone for such lovely comments and in such a short space of time. I am going to be awful and not respond individually, which I usually like to do because of the packing frenzy, but I would like to say how much it means to have so many people be supportive of my choice to take some time for myself, and also be so kind about the pain it stirs up from the past. Amazing how much this resonates for so many of us. I would like, however, to reassure Jessica that OF COURSE she is one of the fabulous ones from my teenage past. You should automatically infer that, Jess, every time I mention that part of my life, and not just because you are not one of the dead ones xo. wow, thanks everyone for such lovely comments and in such a short space of time.
I am going to be awful and not respond individually, which I usually like to do because of the packing frenzy, but I would like to say how much it means to have so many people be supportive of my choice to take some time for myself, and also be so kind about the pain it stirs up from the past. Amazing how much this resonates for so many of us.
I would like, however, to reassure Jessica that OF COURSE she is one of the fabulous ones from my teenage past. You should automatically infer that, Jess, every time I mention that part of my life, and not just because you are not one of the dead ones xo.

]]> By: Nicola http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/2009/11/19/learning-thanks/comment-page-1/#comment-7722 Nicola Sat, 21 Nov 2009 02:27:31 +0000 http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/?p=1726#comment-7722 Amazing post that pulled at my heart strings. I have travelled without the boys and the guilt is enormous. Every other weekend when the boys go to stay with their dad my 6 year old wells up and begs for us all to be together, stating soulfully 'but I am just going to miss you so very much'. It's so hard. I am also trying really hard not to repeat bad mothering mistakes, which I think makes the weight of the guilt that much harder to bear. The story of your childhood is heartbreaking. What a sad situation for a 10 year old girl to handle. Makes me want to weep. Having said that, I hope you have a fantastic trip. Your little one will survive (have you thought about the present idea...read it on one blog recently...wrapping one small pressie for the kids to open for each day that you are away - to soften the blow so to speak?) Nicx Amazing post that pulled at my heart strings.

I have travelled without the boys and the guilt is enormous. Every other weekend when the boys go to stay with their dad my 6 year old wells up and begs for us all to be together, stating soulfully ‘but I am just going to miss you so very much’.

It’s so hard.

I am also trying really hard not to repeat bad mothering mistakes, which I think makes the weight of the guilt that much harder to bear.

The story of your childhood is heartbreaking. What a sad situation for a 10 year old girl to handle. Makes me want to weep.

Having said that, I hope you have a fantastic trip. Your little one will survive (have you thought about the present idea…read it on one blog recently…wrapping one small pressie for the kids to open for each day that you are away – to soften the blow so to speak?)

Nicx

]]> By: Liberty London Girl http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/2009/11/19/learning-thanks/comment-page-1/#comment-7716 Liberty London Girl Sat, 21 Nov 2009 00:16:31 +0000 http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/?p=1726#comment-7716 The fact that you even notice her worries, take time to think about & to try to assuage them cancels out everything. You need to be your wonderful multi-facted self. It'll make you a better mother in the long run. LLGxx The fact that you even notice her worries, take time to think about & to try to assuage them cancels out everything. You need to be your wonderful multi-facted self. It’ll make you a better mother in the long run. LLGxx

]]> By: Jessica K http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/2009/11/19/learning-thanks/comment-page-1/#comment-7713 Jessica K Fri, 20 Nov 2009 23:20:02 +0000 http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/?p=1726#comment-7713 Hoping I am one of the fab ones? I think kids need to know they are important but that their parents have lives and interests. Who wants the burden of someone giving up their whole life for them? You will be fantastic back on stage - we want to hear all about it. Hoping I am one of the fab ones?
I think kids need to know they are important but that their parents have lives and interests. Who wants the burden of someone giving up their whole life for them?
You will be fantastic back on stage – we want to hear all about it.

]]> By: brenda http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/2009/11/19/learning-thanks/comment-page-1/#comment-7705 brenda Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:53:25 +0000 http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/?p=1726#comment-7705 Another great post, but you have handled it well. It is important for children to realise that we can go and come back again and it is important for them to experience it within a loving family relationship. I just got back from being away for a few days and my daughter who is 10 was complaining that it is not the same and although she understands why I go away for work she wants me to know that she is not happy about it! Have a great trip. Another great post, but you have handled it well. It is important for children to realise that we can go and come back again and it is important for them to experience it within a loving family relationship.
I just got back from being away for a few days and my daughter who is 10 was complaining that it is not the same and although she understands why I go away for work she wants me to know that she is not happy about it!
Have a great trip.

]]> By: amjustme http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/2009/11/19/learning-thanks/comment-page-1/#comment-7703 amjustme Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:42:42 +0000 http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/?p=1726#comment-7703 ouch! How heartbreaking! But really, its great that she trusts you enought to TELL you how she feels and doesn't have to pretend she doesn't care. And at the end of the day, having a mummy who also has a life has got to be a very positive thing. When she is just a little bit older, she will be very proud of you! I expect you will be taking back lovely presents too. Sorry not to be meeting you tomorrow. We will miss you! ouch! How heartbreaking! But really, its great that she trusts you enought to TELL you how she feels and doesn’t have to pretend she doesn’t care. And at the end of the day, having a mummy who also has a life has got to be a very positive thing. When she is just a little bit older, she will be very proud of you!
I expect you will be taking back lovely presents too.
Sorry not to be meeting you tomorrow.
We will miss you!

]]> By: Helena http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/2009/11/19/learning-thanks/comment-page-1/#comment-7701 Helena Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:32:35 +0000 http://motherhoodthefinalfrontier.com/?p=1726#comment-7701 What a great post. I've been here so many times. I know exactly what you mean. Suddenly these children you consider to be part of your culture turn around and become almost patriotic in the country where they're growing up. Not bad thing in itself, just takes you by surprise. And I know how you feel about wanting to be the parent you never had. I too had to grow up very quickly as my parents decided they never needed to. Helena xx What a great post. I’ve been here so many times. I know exactly what you mean. Suddenly these children you consider to be part of your culture turn around and become almost patriotic in the country where they’re growing up. Not bad thing in itself, just takes you by surprise. And I know how you feel about wanting to be the parent you never had. I too had to grow up very quickly as my parents decided they never needed to.
Helena xx

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