Here on the blog my children are called Two and Five.
Of course you all know that they have proper names, even if I don’t spell them out, but in real life the family mostly refers to him as ‘Baby’ because, well, he was a baby a minute ago and he’s the youngest and we haven’t really gotten out of the habit even though he can walk, run, jump and speak short sentences.
Yesterday, in amongst an ordinary sort of rushing-around-running-errands-not-quite-finishing-sentences sort of time, I noticed that Two had suddenly grown up a bit.
I know this should make me happy and proud (and it does), but it also makes me the tiniest bit wistful and sad.
You see in all likelihood – actually, scrap that and call a spade a spade – he is my last baby and he’s really not a baby any more.
When I was in London last week (was it only last week?) waiting to go on stage for my gig I spent a little time standing by the DJ watching the crowd gear up for a night of raving. While I was there a young man slipped into the booth. Reaching into the pocket of his coat hanging in the corner, he drew out and started unwrapping what at first looked like an individually wrapped string cheese (oh I know, I’m such a MUM) but it actually turned out to be one of those light up sticks that glow when you give it a snap. He saw me watching with interest and asked me,sweetly, if I would like to have it.
I laughed and said it was very kind, but no, thank you. He should keep it.
Was I sure? he pressed.
Yes, I replied, I had lots at home. My children loved them.
Children? You CAN’T have children! Ooh, you don’t look old enough!
What a charmer. If he’d been straight I might have thought he’d been flirting with me, but as it was I put it down to makeup, context and happy drugs.
Truth is I barely feel YOUNG enough to have any more children.
Technically I suppose I could squeeze out one more (or two if I was being totally California) if Husband and I were so inclined, but although in theory I’d quite have liked to have more children, in practice I’m not sure I could cope with another right now, and where on earth would we put it? (Our house is on the diminutive side.) Plus Husband has mentioned more than once that he feels very able to cope with two on his own when I need to push off for an afternoon (or a week) but if there were any more he would be far less agreeable.
But most tellingly of all, when I look at little tiny babies I think they’re sweet, I think they’re squishy and adorable, I think their clothes are darling, but I don’t really want to hold them for more than a minute.
So I think I’m done.
Two is my last baby. Who is not a baby anymore.
Tonight, after a period of quiet consideration, he turned to me at supper time and said,
People don’ hab wheels… Dey hab legs.
Yes. That’s right, Two.
People have legs. Hopefully two of them. And every day you use yours to walk a little further away from me.
*smiles bravely through tears, thinking she probably would have bonsai’d him if she had the science*
By the way, Two: If, perchance, I get stuck with a pair of wheels in my dotage, you will not be obliged to roll me around except perhaps on special occasions and then, only if you feel so inclined.
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
so hard to see your babies grow…but as you said in your last post “Always Be My Baby”, right? When I had an accident 9 years ago my mum came into the bathroom to bathe me and i gave out a shriek, “i am 20smthg, i DO NOT want you bathing me!” but given that i had had a hand injury, i needed her help. she ignored me, wondering what i was shrieking about. two and five will always be your babies- but you will be proud of them as they grow older and can do things with you- share a glass of wine, or drive you around (my dad was so proud when i drove him around for the first time n Nairobi!). my friend’s daughter just turned 1, she dedicated this to her, “in twenty years from now, maybe we’ll both sit down and have a few beers, and I can tell you ’bout today, and how I picked you up and everything changed…’ it is from a song by Ben Folds, here is the video if you want to see it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kqPwR39VMh0
much love to you.
The poignancy! Two says the cutest things. My littlest baby will be two in February and is also such a boy now. There will be no more for me either, my age, size of house and just the sheer emotional energy requirement of two children makes me wonder how anyone could cope with more!
They’ll always be our babies. We’ll always want to mother them and smother them and totally forget how old they’re growing so quickly.
Little boys do say the cutest things. I feel similarly about Littleboy 2 – he is probably going to remain the youngest member of the family and to me he will always be the baby, even though he’s just turned three.
Hi! Wanted to let you know that although I haven’t been commenting since a long time, I’ve been reading your blog regularly. Every time I begin a comment, I fall short of words and feel words don’t do justice in expressing how I feel about and after reading your posts…
Today also, all I’d say is… God bless you and your family with His choicest blessings making each day of your lives better than the previous one.
Much love,
Aman xo
My own version of TWO is the same. But I am suddenly looking at him and thinking maybe we should think about whether we’d like to be a family of 5 rather than 4. We shall see. Suddenly I am understanding my mother in law who always whitters on about how fast they grow up. Before, in the depths of nappies, puke and sleepless night and thinking it would go on forever, I just couldn’t see it.
Another great post that was such a pleasure to read. x
Lovely post. It’s so hard to make that decision. I’m very broody at the moment, but also very knackered! x
Shayma, lovely link, thank you so much. Yes, he’ll always be my baby but yesterday he said YELLOW instead of LELLOW and I nearly cried. WAH.
Still, i can’t face another pregnancy and that’s that.
Geekymummy. Sounds like we’re in the same boat!
Vic. I can see my two rolling their eyes as teenagers when I try to wrap their scarves around their necks in the cold
NVG Oh, I can’t BEAR IT! And yet, there they are, naughtily growing up on us. Smack, them I say.
Amandeep, so nice to hear from you again, and much love to you, too. I am glad to know you’re still here xoxo
BinB. You are BRAVE. And I admire you. And feel a little jealous, too. I could almost go for it if husband was on board, I was a bit younger, if our house was bigger, if we had a bigger car…See, all I have is excuses. Good luck!
Sandy. It’s the big question, isn’t it. But they all grow up in the end, and one must have a life, too…
I’ve been thinking the same things lately, about whether I’m done having kids or if I’d like to have one more. But for all of the reasons you outlined, I am also inclined to say that I’m finished. I just snuggle my littlest one as much as I can and try to drink it all in before I’m shunned for friends and shopping malls and angsty music. I shudder to think…
Lovely post.
That was a lovely post. I have 5 ‘babies’. It never occured to me to stop at two. Probably pushed by the curiosity by what the next child borne from me would look like, be like..etc. Curiosity certainly got the better of me and luckily i stopped at 5. Anymore and I’d be a flat tyre……out of breath. lets just say i’m satisfied.
This aspect of motherhood is rarely discussed.My youngest child appeared to me as a toddler ina dream.my only desire was to hold her close,on my knee even as I said to myself,in the dream “I know you’re really 18 and asleep upstairs”.It was so real and so poignant I woke with my face wet with tears from the longing to hold her little body one more time.
But if evolution has its way, surely we will end up with wheels instead of legs.
They do grow up, that’s the thing. But one of them has to be the last. You can’t go on having babies forever. Alas.