Living for the city

Thank FUCK we’re back in civilisation.

They deliver the New York Times here, one can get a decent espresso at the corner bakery, the corner shop sells fresh bread, organic produce, delicious olives and, most importantly, Chocolate Digestives.

I have been riding my bike around the neighborhood – I hadn’t been on the damn thing since I fell pregnant with Seven – and I was overcome by a fabulous sense of freedom and the re-emergence of my real self, one that had been lying dormant all those Stepford years. As I pootled the other day on my own through the Mission Disrict, buying a few bike accessories and poking into the interesting shops and restaurants, I wondered how I had survived for so long without this kind of mental stimulus and I reflected that I had done exactly and only that – survived – whereas what I really intend, nay deserve to do is THRIVE.

Since I became a mother I have always looked after other peoples’ needs rather than my own, reasoning that as my children are my most beloved and precious things, it made sense to put their happiness and security above mine. I still believe that to a large degree, but I don’t think I quite knew where to draw the line. I put their father’s needs before mine as in practical terms this made some sort of sense – I needed to accommodate his career in order to preserve financial security which in turn would protect the children, but in doing all this the real me got lost. So I spent seven years wandering in the small-town cultural desert with no real sense of direction while the sun beat wrinkles and resentment into my skin.

Fortunately I had just enough energy and gumption left to manouever us out of there and into a proper metropolis where the bubbling clamour and stink of a million lives lived on top of each other would let me breathe and dream again.

Four starts preschool next week and Seven is already in a camp where, last week, they dissected a cow’s eyeball and this week will spend a morning in a tactile dome. I shall be moving into my new office (the computer and teapot, essential tools of business already packed) and I have several social engagements on my calendar already.

Life is good.

I shall continue to report from the field.

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