Today Husband took us all sledding down the one piece of local land that has not been annexed by some giant hospitality corporation and still belongs to the National Forest. It was just a few minutes drive from the house and we gamely dressed ourselves in 4billion layers, packed a thermos of hot chocolate and essential snacks and headed off for a morning of slippery fun.
It was actually a very beautiful place, not like the enlarged Butlins style feel of the ski resorts (which I loathe). Quiet, remote, a few well-trodden paths and quite a bit of virgin snow.
And an incredible amount of dogshit.
I couldn’t believe how much was in evidence. Every few steps we would have to avoid stepping in a mammoth pile of canine excrement, each at a different layer of the melt.
Coming from California, where people religiously pick up all their doggie-do, this was a bit of a shocker. I don’t think One had ever seen a turd not of his own making before (he was quite curious and had to be held back from poking at it with his finger). Husband pointed out that over the winter individual deposits had probably been buried in various consecutive snowdrifts and weren’t that noticeable at the time, but now that it was spring, the full horror of the poochie poo was revealed by millions of horrible brown circles in the snow which we were forced to dodge in a crazy slalom as we slid down the hill.
Fortunately, Husband is in charge of the care and maintenance of all outdoor gear – a deal we struck up when we first met:
Wholesome Alpine outdoorsy mountaineer man who loves hiking, biking, climbing, bouldering, long walks, camping in sub-zero conditions etc. meets urban cellar-dweller, rarely seen outside during daylight hours, prefers windowless rooms containing machines that make strange, loud noises and establishments which do not serve produce unless fermented or distilled.
Ergo, if former wishes to persuade latter to sample unfamiliar and foreign territory (i.e. go outside) he must go to great lengths to minimise any kind of discomfort or inconvenience which means packing and carrying everything, including delicious and incentivizing food, give constant praise and encouragement including compliments on appearance, and clean and put away equipment at the end of the outing while others rest and take well deserved hot baths.
He’s actually been pretty successful with this approach and I, who had never set foot in anything wilder than Hyde Park prior to our relationship, have become relatively hardy in the face of the elements.
In fact, emboldened by my experiences with him, I qualified as a game ranger and lived in the bush in Africa for a month in a tent facing down lions and terrifying insects (story for another day).
But when we’re together out-of-doors we go back to the default position of
‘he does everything and I go a bit stupid’.
It works for us.
We get along really well that way and I always feel a little bit madly in love with him again after one of these adventures.
On this occasion it has worked out very well for Husband – he is going to spend all of tomorrow skiing without being hampered by the rest of us and is doing so with my blessing – my hero who saved me from the dogshit!
The children and I shall remain behind vandalising the house although we have planned an exciting trip to Denny’s to eat more alien pancakes in a bid to stuff as much sugar and fat into our systems in one sitting as possible.
I’ve got to fill up the day somehow without actually going into real outside. I have spotted a few Christian children’s DVD’s lying around the living room which I might put on for them. That way I can tick off religious education and guarantee a couple of hours peace all in one go. Seems like I can’t lose, really?
Given that I grew up in the Secular house of Atheist Leftwing Radicalism with a slice of culturally alienated Jew and a dash of rejected Christianity, I’m a bit hazy on my bible stories and totally out to lunch on what Jesus is hipping the kids to these days.
I’ve got a choice of:
Noah (rainy, but lots of animals, right?), Hermie (that caterpillar again, not so keen on him) The Real Woolly Bible (sheep on cover, WTF?) and the Veggie Tales doing bible stories. There are more, but I am running out of steam here.
Any ideas, people? The house of God is at risk here..
I look forward to your suggestions
{ 9 comments }
OMG funny!!! Love it!!!
Children and Christianity make interesting bedfellows. I am not particularly religious, but have taken small one to church (Anglican, High Church – Bizarre I know but I like singing and smells, bells, etc.) relatively regularly and it has come in useful when assorted pets have bitten the dust. Recently however I was required to attend a ‘service’ of her own making. This involved following her while she sprinkled (nay chucked) lavender flowers liberally all over the house, dressed in a sequinned vest and sparkly shoes ( her, not me). This was followed by an uplifting sermon about a mouse that went to sea in a shoe, followed by the christening of said mouse. You have been warned!
Late developer’s last blog post..Reasons to be Cheerful
Raised Unitarian (Kumbayah! Sharing!) I cant comment on the videos, but I am a little squeamish about letting them watch religious videos I havent vetted. Maybe from years of living here and people preaching anti-gay, etc. stuff to our kids behind our backs. Sorry. I am sure Veggie Tales is harmless but completely humorless. And there is nothing worse than that.
We showed ours the Life of Brian first, so no religious proseltyizing sticks. They just think of sandals, and start giggling.
As for the great outdoors, I cannot imagine you camping. My mom took my brother and me across the US every summer in a Toyota station wagon, putting up a tent every night in campgrounds, cooking on a gas Coleman stove. I am in awe now, but she made it seem like no big deal.
My boys are going to 7 weeks of camp in Maine where other people will give them that experience, as I did not inherit my moms skills.
Your religious background is pretty similar to mine, although the Jewish influence is from hubby, not family.
I’m with Jessica K. Life of Brian trumps Veggie Tales. The last thing you need is for a four year old to internalize those fabulous Christian values and grow up to remind you that you’re doing it wrong.
The Mother’s last blog post..There Will Be Blood
We opted for Veggie Tales until Four puked spectacularly on the carpet. It could have been a virus, but you know they were pretty nauseating.
Kev: What would I do without you? Please come back and say nice things every day. What happened to motorcycle trip up coast?!
Late Developer: I think your daughter’s service sounds much better than the ones I have been to in church. If she were here in the US I’m pretty sure she could get her own TV show..
Jessica: What are you going to DO in those miraculous 7 weeks? I could not take in the rest of the comment properly as this bit shone out like a glowing beacon and I withered with envy under its glare.
The Mother: Four is already reminding me how wrong I am. I think Christian values won’t make a jot of difference to her tremendous sense of self righteousness, but probably best to be safe, you’re right.
First, a note that your blog is being highlighted in British Mummy Bloggers this week.
Second — did it snow in Stepford?
Third — I’m hazy on those stories too, much to grandma and grandpa’s horror
A Modern Mother’s last blog post..Not to toot my own horn, but…
Only the oldest two are going away, we will still have the Princeling, but it will be like a luxury cruise for him and us. But I will miss them like crazy and be pining aftera week. They begged to go for seven weeks, we didnt want to be the bad parents who send their kids away.
A Modern Mother: No! No snow in Stepford (as if!) We’re in Colorado on dreaded ski trip (ugh). Can’t wait to go home, only 2 days left. Thanks for the highlight, better write some decent posts then.
Jessica: It will be very weird to have just the one. He’ll be spoiled rotten and loving it.
you made me laugh. I have never really gone for religious videos, books I find are much better. My youngest one has an affinity to her religion and I am constantly getting told off because we do not do practise enough for her liking!! Have a safe journey back.
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