The first day went well.
Five, Two and I walked to school leaving plenty of time, which was just as well considering the high dawdle factor. On our way we saw a wild rabbit on the hillside against the school fields which we all took as a Very Good Sign. As we approached the classroom Five started to look a bit anxious and asked if any of her old friends would be in her class. I told her that although she didn’t know anybody yet, the good thing was that everyone was new and nobody else had been to big school, either. She didn’t say anything but her little brow softened slightly.
Parents with videos and cameras milled about the classroom snapping pictures of their precious progeny. Two swaggered straight in and made himself comfortable on a diminutive easy chair and fiddled about with a puppet show. Five put her backpack in her cubby and clutched on to my hand. There were twenty coloured squares of carpet on the floor laid out in a rectangle in front of the teacher’s chair, each with a child’s name written upon it. We were to escort our Kindergartners to their places, hug them briefly and leave precisely at 8.15 when Mrs. K rang the bell.
I wasn’t sure I could do it.
Was Kindergarten really mandatory? Couldn’t we just slip off to Starbucks instead? Maybe when teacher wasn’t looking we could just sneak out the back and..
Dingalingalingaling!
CRAP! Too late!
Somewhat woeful of heart, but with a bright, maternal smile I took her to her carpet square (orange, at the back), gave her a big kiss and wished her luck, snatched up Two who howled indignantly, thinking he was going to be staying, and scuttled out the classroom so I wouldn’t shame her with my tears.
***walks calmly and briskly in manner of mafia hitman toward parking lot, never looking back. Reaches parking lot**
Mothership: ” Wahhh Boo hoo Sob !”
Two: “Mummy sad? Kiss?”
Mothership” Oh, thank you.Yes, little bit sad, but I’m fine now. Sister’s gone to big school”
Two: (hopefully) “Cake?”
Mothership; “Yes, that’s a good idea, let’s have some cake”
We took ourselves out for some cake which was not entirely successful for me as Two, it turned out, didn’t really see eye to eye with me on sharing the enormous piece of coffee cake I bought us and threw a wobbly if I dared even to look at it , although he did end up sharing a fair proportion of his slice with the chair and the floor. Nonetheless we had a comforting outing and in a scant few hours we returned to fetch Five from school.
Husband surprised us by turning up at home time with flowers and presents and an offer of a restaurant lunch which was very welcome. Once again the parent paparazzi were out in full force and the emerging five year olds had more pictures taken than Brangelina at movie premiere. Five came out with her backpack and a first day of Kindergarten star and her teacher told us she’d done very well and enjoyed herself. Such a relief! We tried over lunch to get information from Five herself about what she’d done that day but the most we could wrestle was that she’d pledged allegiance to the flag and eaten her snack. Hm. Ok.
But to my delight and surprise, later that day I got an email from her teacher – in a State-funded school in budget strained California! Very impressed..,
Five had a great first day! Great listener, participated and followed directions and worked hard on both of our morning “jobs” at the tables today.
She also seemed to have fun at play time- I saw her talking and playing with several of the girls.
Looking forward to a great year!
– Mrs.K
Today I took her in again, hoping for as successful a second day as the first.
First order of business, empty small bladder. Upon escorting her to the loo I discovered that she appeared to have forgotten to put on her knickers that morning.
Oh dear.
After a swift consultation with Mrs. K I ran home to fetch her a pair and returned, breathless, 15 minutes later to find the class jumping up and down on their squares singing along from 1 – 20 with a rock and roll CD. I don’t remember anything like that from my far off school days.
However, later, apparently, Five had a misunderstanding with Mrs.K over completing a task. The children were each asked to draw something they were curious about.
Five said she was curious about saving the planet (that’s my girl!) and wanted to draw a picture of planet earth. She drew a circle and tried to draw in continents but couldn’t quite manage it. Mrs.K tried to help her but teacher’s efforts were considered subpar and thus erased. Then Mrs. K suggested she start over or perhaps draw a flower on another piece of paper but Five was outraged by the suggestion that a pathetic flower could possibly replace her artistic vision of planet saving passion so she dug her heels in and refused ( I can see the cloudy expression of obstinacy on her face now). Being only five, she lacked the requisite communication skills to tell Mrs. K that she felt the earth would be in peril if she didn’t get the illustration right and she was devastated by her inability to render a perfect image of the globe so her teacher merely saw a sulking, angry Kindergartner who wouldn’t cooperate. Five was given the choice to finish her task (flower or planet) or else she would have to stay in for recess.
She stayed in for recess.
Poor Five! On her second day!
She tripped out of school looking woeful and Mrs. K explained (kindly) what had happened. I took Five to the car where she promptly threw a massive, tearful wobbly and I arrived home with a very upset and unhappy little girl. Some lunch and a glass of lemonade later she felt a bit better and I managed to get her side of the story out of her. Apart from saying several times that she hated Mrs.K which I didn’t take very seriously, she mainly expressed frustration at not being able to draw well enough and sadness at not having done her work properly. We decided that over the weekend we’d practice drawing pictures of the planet and on Monday she’d take one in and explain why it was so important to her to get this particular image right and that she’d decided to practice on her own. I don’t think that Mrs.K will really care that much one way or the other, but I think it’s important to Five to overcome her feeling that she failed at something that mattered to her and also that she is not a powerless victim in the relationship with her teacher. She can take action and show that she has strengths of her own, both to her teacher and to herself. Husband disagrees with me and thinks we should step back and be more low-key about it and it will blow over, but I can’t help but think, having observed Five and her struggles all summer, that this is something that she needs help with and it’s best to get in there early and give her a hand before she sets herself on a pattern that will not serve her well all through her life. I know that he is her dad and as such has a say in the way we raise her, but I really think this might be a case of ‘mother knows best’.
Of course this could all be giant projection of my own school trauma (as referred to in just about every post for the last few weeks) and it will all blow over in no time at all.
What do you think? Am I doing the right thing by monitoring it closely and helping her reframe her experience or am I making a mountain out of a molehill?
{ 10 comments }
As parents, we can only ever do what we think is best at the time. Go with your instinct. xx
I really feel for Five. I completely agree with your strategy to help Five reframe her experience. To be honest, I the think the teacher should have done that.
At age five, I used to daydream and take ages to complete tasks like that. I would chat to he other children, who would be completing the task, and I would then be put in the corner of the classroom with my hands on my head (for distracting the other children). I would then be kept behind to finish the task.
I makes me sad to read that, even now.
So I have to agree that “mother knows best”
N x
Oh I feel for you – this post I read with trepidation because my 4 and a half year old is starting school in 10 days and he will be going from 8:30am til 4:00pm and he has never been away a whole day and he is a tightly-wound little guy at the best of times. I am anxious and nervy and I feel like I am starting at a new scary job rather than him. And I agree with your take on things. This is a big deal, all this stuff – their worlds are not so big as ours. Good luck!
What a lovely mother you are. However you must relax or you’ll burn yourself out before five is six! When I was a young mother every day after school seemed like a trauma where my kids would unleash hatred, vengeance, tragedy, etc- I would feel like you that I had to help them sort it out or it would mark them for life. Then 5 minutes later they were right as rain- on to the next thing and I would be left nursing all their stuff. However in hindsight I can see that is the role of the mother- to listen and carry all that stuff so their children can move on. Afetr a few years I learned to relax and not take the day’s stuff on board too much. I now see my daughter going through the same with her kids. So mothership your really are a mothership- may your children continue to float within you and grow up to be the wonderful people of tomorrow who will save the planet!!!!
I think that’s what most important about this is that Mother is really listening to and being guided by her child, Five. For Five this was a mortifying experience. Being shown how to turn around a sense of being stuck and frustrated by a loving, caring parent provides a wonderful path for her to new coping methods, choices and empowerment. Lucky Five, to have this understanding and support!
Oh, that is HARSH on day two. But I think the teachers have to be very disciplinarian at the beginning to establish authority. Mrs K might be a little less severe as time goes by.
I think you should reframe the experience with her. Talking it out with her is really important – so long as she wants to and this isn’t all coming from you. I agree that it is important she doesn’t feel she’s failed. I think it is very poor that Mrs K made her feel that – already.
Could you also ease her path, by talking to her about the way things are at school, and that she will have to fit in with what Mrs K’s rules are? Otherwise she’ll be missing a lot of recess. I know my mum, who was cheerfully subversive, would have made a bit of a joke about it, although I’d also have known she was being serious, and we’d have had a laugh about “silly old school, silly old rules”, so that I could somehow have realised I needed to be obedient to them, without losing my spirit to them. But that might not be the right approach for Five – and of course you have to be ready to accept that anything you and she discuss, will be repeated for the benefit of Mrs K, so a little caution might be advisable.
A wise friend once told me “no-one is going to fight your child’s corner but you”, so if you think Five needs a helping hand, you do it. (Sorry, Husband – I agree that often it’s the low-key approach that is the wisest, but not on Day Tw, and not when a child feels a failure.)
Why does Five think the world is populated by incontinents? ” She drew a circle and she drew incontinents…”
Oh sweet little 5. I do see both sides, but I think you are trying to help her with the “I have failed, the glass is half empty so therefore everything is rubbish” thing and this might be yet another step. I am a perfectionist and when young would rather have my mother draw my pictures as then they would look “right”. My mother struggled to have me find my own artistic side – paint splatters and all, explaining to me that perfect is not always beautiful. I am so happy that she took the time as now I may be a perfectionist in some things but not in art. xx
It is almost certain that Miss K has seen this behavior before and will certainly see it again. I have no doubt she will handle Five with compassion and consistency within the context of a classroom environment. In the end, all will be fine there and Five will love her class. The thing that is remarkable is your astute parenting. I think a good many parents would just shrug it off and let “the System” take over. I am concerned when this happens all too often in our society. We all need to learn how to negotiate “the System” effectively without compromising the essence of who we are. Five certainly has a perfectionist tendency as well as a strong sense of self firmly planted in her being. …the lesson here is that finding the path of mutual respect and cooperation with others (no matter how big or small they are in relation to us) to get your best work done is something only her loving parents can teach her. No school, no matter how wonderful may be could teach a child about The School of Life.
I think your idea sounds right, to be honest, assuming that Five was quite troubled by it. Helping her find ways to deal with upsets like this will really help her – and hopefully prevent her from having similar school experiences to yours.
Thank you so much for all your lovely comments. I have been a bit lax about responding due to the attention that Five has taken up in the whirlwind of Kindergarten – I am finding it much more harrowing than she is, clearly.
Eva Maria Chapman is right, at this rate I will be completely burned out by 1st grade!!
So far no more being kept in at recess and she did complete her planet earth and hand it in which seemed to work for her and the Mrs.K. I’m slowly becoming conscious that she’s growing away from me in a way that she hadn’t before and that I have to let go.
Ouch! and Phew! and Ouch! and Phew!
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