In the midst of getting all excited about my trip to London I had forgotten something.
My children are not excited at all.
Five is very not excited. She is quite upset.
She told me earlier in the kitchen that she was very very sad that I wasn’t going to be here for Thanksgiving, and then she burst into tears.
I FELT LIKE A REAL SHIT
That she might mind me not being here for this very American holiday had not crossed my mind at all. We have never really celebrated it before what with Husband being German and me being British. ,We save our Turkey murder for Christmas (when really only Husband eats it anyway) and apart from a hazy notion of corn, Pilgrims and Indians we are not quite sure what it’s all about.
Five never said anything last year when she was at preschool and it’s not as if they missed important dates out – we certainly knew all about Hallowe’en, for instance.
Still, I think there must have been a lot of talk at Kindergarten about Thanksgiving and it has clearly made a big impression on her because she feels terribly distressed that I will not be here with my apron on in true Mom style for the holidays.
She also mentioned there would be a shortage of cuddles while I was gone which just about broke my heart.
I pointed out that she gets lots of cuddles from her Dad but she said it WASN’T THE SAME as mummy cuddles.
Is it bad that a tiny bit of me was pleased by that?
She wept for a bit and I just held her and told her I was sorry she felt bad, I hadn’t understood it was a big deal to her. She’d have her father and lots of friends here and I’d call in on Skype. She told me she was sad and angry and I said I understood.
And then I told her that it was very important for me to go. That I really wanted to go and give this show, to see my friends, some other family. That I had chosen to be her mummy, Two’s mummy and I did that almost all of the time instead of being a singer all of the time, but now I needed to go and do this because it made me happy. I would be back very soon because I still wanted to be her mummy more than that. It was just a little holiday.
She didn’t really get it. I didn’t expect her to, but I was glad I said it because seeing her tearful face had struck such a chord in me that I nearly tore up my ticket.
My mum left when I was ten.
She went to grow a life that had become to small for her but she never did come back, and by the time I saw her again I did not recognise the person I called Mummy and I had grown past the little girl she had left behind. Partly because some time had elapsed and partly because her departure snapped the cord that tethered me to childhood and I hurtled into early adolescence before my time.
I lived with dad for a while, then with my mum for a bit which was – how shall I put this – not very successful, then went to back to live with my father again who was by this stage hugely involved in his career.
With all this moving around I got tough pretty quickly and learned to look
out for myself.
I became one of those disturbingly sexy young teenagers.
The kind I don’t want my daughter to turn into.
The ones that we mothers at the school gate roll our eyes and shake our heads at, thinking she’s no better than she should be.
Ironically I was a virgin much longer than many of my peers as I was terrified of real, actual sex, but I gave a great show and it sure was fun wearing the clothes and getting sent home to change from school so I could smoke a cigarette, dawdling on
the way back.
I didn’t do very well at schoolwork, either. It was a big bore studying. Well, perhaps someone could have actually sat with me and showed me how to do the homework. Or just spent some time with me at all. It got quite lonely being by myself all day, you know, and after a while it was not funny, just rather sad that everyone believed me when I said there was no homework all year and I didn’t need a book bag.
I fell in with a crowd of other misfits and outsiders.
Some of them were fabulous, some of them were not.
Some of them are still my close friends. Some of them are dead.
I stumbled and tripped, tripped and stumbled through growing up and learning.
It took ages – and here, I’m still doing it. Me and my daughter, together.
I will learn not to plan much-needed trips during important family holidays and she will learn that it’s essential to look after ones-self and it’s possible to do that and to look after your family.
Five: Mummy will be back very, very soon, and I promise I’ll cook you that turkey you won’t eat for Christmas. xo
{ 22 comments }
What a great post! I empathize with you; I know how hard it is to leave when those little voices (and eyes) are pleading with you to stay. But it’s critically important that you keep being YOU. It’s equally critically important that you model that behavior (of taking time for yourself) for both of your children. Have a fantastic trip! xx
How funny, I’ve just posted from LA (here with work), going home to UK tomorrow. Know something of how you feel. Motherhood seems to come with a side order of guilt. But the Margheritas here took the edge off xxx
Oh you have had me bawling over my breakfast. What lucky children you have, to have such an aware Mum as you. You have triggered so many things about my own life and mothering and lack of it, children, doing my own thing etc. Very heartfelt. I wish you were coming to the Twitter party tomorrow night arranged by Pochyemu and Belgianwaffling. It would be lovely to meet you. Good luck for your singing engagement.
Oh my what an emotional post, made me really tear up. Being a mum has made me so much more aware of my own mothers failings and at a complete loss as to how she could do the things she did. As a mother I could never ever hurt my children in the way she did me. But saying that I think that a lot of what she did was due to her stopping being herself and becoming a mum and not being able to deal with it, that and her “nerves” as they used to call depression back then.
Good luck on your visit back to the UK, I am so upset that I can not make the bloggers event. I
That’s such an honest post, thankyou. And just keep telling yourself that it’s not as if you do this every month – or indeed, every other month. You are their mum first and foremost and the fact that she notices your absence proves how good you are it.
I was through this, big time, with my oldest son. I wasn’t a singer but in the music biz and travelled a lot and was away many nights. At five weeks he spent his first evening on top of a loudspeaker, but usually I left him at home with his dad. When he was five I divorced his dad and changed career into something that was more agreeable with being a single mum. I’ve never regretted that.
But, it’s important to hang on to our own lives. Looking at the women around me who’ve more or less given up their own lives for their children, I have to say that it’s not a good idea! So, also in that aspect of life, a balance must be kept.
Maybe you’ll have time for a tweet-up when in London? Such a pity you’re not here for tomorrow’s party.
Lovely post. My mother (a professor) is present, loving, and helped me with my homework. She is also deeply into her career, which I admire. I knew I was loved, but wasn’t *everything* in her world. I don’t think I would have wanted that responsibility as a child, and I am glad I don’t feel I have to give up everything when I have my own!
oh mtff, youre such a wonderful mum. five may not have understood now, but she will remember this at a later point in life. i remember so many wonderful things that my mum said and wrote to me. it is only when we are older do we realise and value such words. i felt like crying with five for this lovely mummy.
oh mtff, i wish i could give you a huge hug. and then watch you perform in London. wishing you all the best and sending all the love, shayma
Awww, children have a knack of making us mummies feel guilty. You’re not leaving her for good. Go and enjoy yourself. I’m sure you deserve some ‘me’ time.
You have really captured the dilemma that is parenting; being torn between wanting to be there for your children and wanting to be yourself. Great post. If Five’s school is anything like the boys’ preschool, they make a huge deal of Thanksgiving – they now know much more about it than me. Other British expats here have told me the same – they celebrate it because their children expect to, rather than that they feel the need.
It sounds as though you reassured Five well, though, and once you get back she will be so happy to see you that she’ll forget about the upset of you going away…..
oh, i do love Chic Mama’s perspective very much, too!
Beautiful and incredibly moving. This is a book, girl. xoxo
What a great post. I’ve been here so many times. I know exactly what you mean. Suddenly these children you consider to be part of your culture turn around and become almost patriotic in the country where they’re growing up. Not bad thing in itself, just takes you by surprise. And I know how you feel about wanting to be the parent you never had. I too had to grow up very quickly as my parents decided they never needed to.
Helena xx
ouch! How heartbreaking! But really, its great that she trusts you enought to TELL you how she feels and doesn’t have to pretend she doesn’t care. And at the end of the day, having a mummy who also has a life has got to be a very positive thing. When she is just a little bit older, she will be very proud of you!
I expect you will be taking back lovely presents too.
Sorry not to be meeting you tomorrow.
We will miss you!
Another great post, but you have handled it well. It is important for children to realise that we can go and come back again and it is important for them to experience it within a loving family relationship.
I just got back from being away for a few days and my daughter who is 10 was complaining that it is not the same and although she understands why I go away for work she wants me to know that she is not happy about it!
Have a great trip.
Hoping I am one of the fab ones?
I think kids need to know they are important but that their parents have lives and interests. Who wants the burden of someone giving up their whole life for them?
You will be fantastic back on stage – we want to hear all about it.
The fact that you even notice her worries, take time to think about & to try to assuage them cancels out everything. You need to be your wonderful multi-facted self. It’ll make you a better mother in the long run. LLGxx
Amazing post that pulled at my heart strings.
I have travelled without the boys and the guilt is enormous. Every other weekend when the boys go to stay with their dad my 6 year old wells up and begs for us all to be together, stating soulfully ‘but I am just going to miss you so very much’.
It’s so hard.
I am also trying really hard not to repeat bad mothering mistakes, which I think makes the weight of the guilt that much harder to bear.
The story of your childhood is heartbreaking. What a sad situation for a 10 year old girl to handle. Makes me want to weep.
Having said that, I hope you have a fantastic trip. Your little one will survive (have you thought about the present idea…read it on one blog recently…wrapping one small pressie for the kids to open for each day that you are away – to soften the blow so to speak?)
Nicx
wow, thanks everyone for such lovely comments and in such a short space of time.
I am going to be awful and not respond individually, which I usually like to do because of the packing frenzy, but I would like to say how much it means to have so many people be supportive of my choice to take some time for myself, and also be so kind about the pain it stirs up from the past. Amazing how much this resonates for so many of us.
I would like, however, to reassure Jessica that OF COURSE she is one of the fabulous ones from my teenage past. You should automatically infer that, Jess, every time I mention that part of my life, and not just because you are not one of the dead ones xo.
Am late to comment as usual but you know what? There is NEVER a good time to leave your kids for a while. But you HAVE to do it. I know that’s a bit rich coming from hermit-chops-mentalist village person pigwoman but it is true. Otherwise we will go mad and end up in an attic in the manner of the first Mrs Rochester. Children will always guilt trip their parents. I agree that you handled it very well indeed. She’s a very lucky girl. Fx
It is so hard, and you express it very well. The important thing five and two will learn is that when mum goes away, she always comes back. Something I do is make a chart for the days I will be away, and leave a notecard in an envelope for them to open each day I’m gone, with a message for them, saying how I love and miss them or wish I could make pancakes with then, and a sticker for the chart. My daughter is younger (3 at the time) but this helped her cope with my trips and give her a sense of when I would be back.
Its hard because small kids really don’t understand why their mum or dad would rather be, or has to be, somewhere else and not with them. My daughter is genuinely scared that when I leave I won’t come back. I think the fear of losing mum is very deep seated in children, even those with no reason to fear it. (Hence the reccuring themes motherless children in fairytales). I”m so sorry to hear that in your case the fear became reality.
My daughter is always awful for a few days when I return, perhaps after trying to be good in my absence, while feeling strange and afraid. I think she has to prove to herself that I love her no matter how horrid she is. But then she will play “business trip”, packing a bag and setting of on her own imaginary important adventure, which makes me feel proud of the example I’m setting.
Five will be fine. Mummy will be back soon, with lots of presence.
Comments on this entry are closed.