This holiday, like them all, was complex and uneasy.
And I was very angry.
Where the hell were they? That fictional, Fifties family
I was promised, at least by myself.
Me in the starring role, at last!
And no-one would detect the bleak, fragile heart as it beat
wild and anxious, beneath my pristine apron.
I did not have a lovely Easter.
I tried very, very hard. I honestly did. But it didn’t work.
The Easter bunny came, the bunny cake was baked, the eggs were dyed, the crafts were made, the children were suitably clothed, and I did my absolute utmost to keep everyone happy, but sometimes, no matter what you do, things just don’t turn out the way you want them to.
And I want to go home.
Back home to my house in London, ten years ago.
When Pumpkin was still alive, when my skin was smooth, when my heart was unfettered, when my hopes were still high, when I never dreamed I’d be where I am now or how I’d long to be back where I was then.
I know I can’t turn back the clock.
And even if I could go back, go home, I would only do it if I could pack the children.
But on low days like this, I think about suitcases.
{ 17 comments }
So sorry to hear your holiday was bleak. Holidays are certainly tricky like that, sometimes magnifying sadness and loneliness more than the laughter, smiles and happy traditions. š
.-= Jill @BabyRabies´s last blog ..I will NEVER =-.
My darling: our guest rooms await when you want to flee. It’s only L.A. and not London, but a change of scenery is yours on demand. Hugs to you in the meantime. To quote a mutual friend of ours: “The embrace of your friends invisible and visible will be wrapped around you, dearest, for as long as you need.” xo
.-= Arlene Wszalek´s last blog ..Wzzy: @jodybeth It was a tremendous show! @curtsmith will be doing a solo gig this summer, will make sure you know about it. x =-.
Complex and uneasy. Those two words convey your feelings so beautifully.
Nothing helpful to offer, but a virtual hug. It can be so hard.
.-= geekymummy´s last blog ..been there, seen that, bought the T shirt =-.
I guess I know how you feel. I, too, gave up a fullfilling career rather late in life in order to be a mother. We live abroad, a long way away from family and friends and it turned out to be quite difficult to make new “best friends” when one is no longer 25. Most of the time it is alright and I’m happy and content – but sometimes … sometimes I feel let-down and lonely and unappreciated, and I just want to go HOME! But fortunately it never lasts long. I hope that your bout of depression will go away quickly and you’ll be able to look at the bright side again. Much love from
Julia
My poor darling, I know exactly how that feels, and all I can say is, this too will pass. Give yourself lots of treats-perhaps a jaunt somewhere? The only thing that really works for me, though, is escape into a book, preferably the kind that’s very absorbing but not very hard work. A holiday in someone else’s (fictional) life is one of the best kinds of emotional aspirin there is. Kisses, x
Holidays can be so tough. Made worse because you should be feeling all happy and bouncy. Big hugs. Hope it passes soon and you get your equilibrium back. xx
.-= Brit In Bosnia´s last blog ..A New Life =-.
E-mail coming soon, couldn’t get near the laptop yesterday. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – it’s the toughest gig of all, no doubt. Loads of love to you from your spotty friend in Kent xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
.-= Cassandra´s last blog ..Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it =-.
There is so much pressure with these holidays isn’t there? Everything must be perfect and everyone must have a wonderful time… it’s so easy to feel lacking if it doesn’t all go exactly right.
I’m sorry you’re feeling low. Take care.
.-= Gappy´s last blog ..Go Team Katie… =-.
This struck a chord with me too, when I lived abroad holidays were the hardest times. It’s when the gap between reality and ‘how it ought to be’ is the clearest. Now I’m back though I can see there’s still a gap – between reality and fantasy – and my solace is in routine and creativity. Hope you’re feeling better soon.
Holidays drive me bat-shit. I just cannot adjust to the sudden break in the regular routine, or to how the sudden increase in seemingly “spare” time gives me too much mental space. Memories come out to play again, breathing deep of all that terrible, energising fresh air.
Must. Keep. Busy.
Again, as on Twitter, more {{{hugs}}}
Thinking of you. Hope the eyelashes are holding up under the strain… PMx
.-= Potty Mummy´s last blog ..Dear So & So =-.
The curse of family holidays methinks!
In Italy we have a saying: “Natale con i tuoi, Pasqua con chi vuoi.”
Roughly translates as “Xmas with the relatives, Easter with whom you choose.”
Space here in Rio if you fancy joining us for some R&R away from it all.
Either way hugs and positive thoughts.
LCM x
.-= London City Mum´s last blog ..Notes from Rio =-.
Oh goodness me, pack me as well as your children. I want to go home too.
.-= Iota´s last blog ..It’s a mad, mad world =-.
That’s so sad š *hugs* So sorry that your holiday wasn’t a happy one.
.-= Priness_L_88´s last blog ..Welcome to my new home =-.
I am so sorry. Sometimes we put so much emphasis on the appearances that we lose the feeling. I am sure your kids have good thoughts of the day, but that doesn’t help when you feel the disconnect, like you are acting out a script in someone else’s play. What happened to the life we dreamed of?
For the record, we had minimal Easter baskets and no big Easter dinner (budget restrictions) and I felt like a total failure, even though the kids didn’t care.
I dream of freedom and escape every day – but like you would never, ever give up the kids, not for all the perfumes of Arabia.
Thank you everyone for lovely comments. Too shattered still to comment individually but very grateful xo
we all feel like this once in a while-your children and all the lovely things they do- the ones that enrage you the ones that make you laugh- you so know that it is all worth it. i’d love to make you tea, bake you a cake and chat till the wee hours of the morning about everything and nothing. a call to a friend (yours truly), a parent, a sibling- and a good laugh with the kids- all very comforting. sending hugs, shayma
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