Grave Thoughts

“Just when I thought I had everything sorted, it all fell apart and I had to start again.”

This would be not only an accurate descriptor of my life thus far, but might also be a rather fabulous epitaph, giving rise to all sorts of metaphysical speculation amongst those visiting my grave (or not).

Meanwhile, back in the land of the (purportedly) living, I am forced once more to examine my plans and recalibrate, adjusting course, changing direction. I also work hard at not screaming “FUUUUUUUCCCCK!” in open panic in front of the children while Husband scuttles down to his office pretending that has nothing to do with this, really, and lalalalalalala he can’t hear me dumtedumtetum.

So.

Here we are.

The good things I have achieved in San Francisco:

Getting my children (finally) into acceptable schools. This was harder than A.P.Calculus.

Finding doctors, dentists, hairdressers, blah blah.

Getting the first client for our business

Made lots of interesting friends

Been out to the theater, comedy, got tickets for music and dance coming up.

Been to Galleries and Museums

Gone Shopping in non-suburban stores

Joyously spent money (I’m actually quite good at this wherever so I’m not sure it’s location-relevant)

 

 The less than good things that have happened.

Failed to deliver work to first client on time

Realised that the work was quite hard and a bit boring and I couldn’t do it all myself

Felt panicked that I was not in control of the people doing the other parts and forgot that I was not actually in charge of keeping the entire world revolving by scampering around my mental hamster wheel at 3am.

Understood that my big new business plan was destined to fail due to inbuilt flaws hitherto unseen because I am a blinkered idiot.

Went into slough of despond as a result of previous points.

Got older (this would happen anywhere, I know, but seemed worse because of the above)

Gained 5lbs and got flabby UGH! UGH! HATE!

Discovered that Husband brought annoying tendencies with him from Stepford despite being instructed to leave them behind.

Conceded, reluctantly, that I might also have some habits that I needed to break in order to move on and up and into my new, shiny plan for growth and rehabilitation.

 

What I am going to do now.

After I finish eating the childrens’ Halloween candy I am going to quietly and determinedly get rid of that 5lbs.

I joined a ‘Boot Camp’ to combat the flab with Husband. I know I will go to this religiously, not least because I will feel morally superior when I can get up at 6am and he will still be lying there groaning, unable to do it and then I’ll be able to come bouncing in smugly an hour later. Irresistible.

Force myself to take classes and courses in brushing up my technical skills so I can make myself relevant again as a composer and engineer. I always feel squirmy about doing this kind of thing as I don’t like classes and am shy in groups but one has to be brave, right?

Ask for help when I need it (not good at this. Very bad at this)

Go for lots of walks

Remember that even when I feel REALLY shitty, it passes relatively quickly.

Take joy in my children.  This one is easy.

For instance, the other day Seven and I were discussing God, Jesus and Mary (the new Catholic school, you see). She didn’t really have much of a grip on how it all happened so I tried to give her a quick sketch of the immaculate conception/virgin birth, God is the father, Mary is the mother, Jesus is the son thing.  She looked puzzled and then asked about Joseph. Where did he come in? I said he was Mary’s husband and she pointed out that husbands were the daddies and wives were the mothers. I said yeeeess, but in this case it was God. She said:

“Are you serious? How did they make a baby when there were no PENISES involved?”

I sense that this is not the last time we’ll get to giggle in church.