Ah, Monday again and I am adrift in the lukewarm, stuporific soup of my own incompetence, pieces of half-fulfilled ambition bobbing resentfully on the surface like rotting corpses mingling with fatty, yellow globules of fading hope. Occasionally, if stirred, there might be the odd flash of a once-good idea that lurks at the cloudy sedimented bottom, but it remains evasive and obstinately will not allow itself to be captured on the spoon of my feeble intent.
I have just had my attention drawn to the blog of a thirteen year old who calls himself the TimeCommando. He writes tirelessly of how to maximise efficiency, banish procrastination, increase SEO ratings, keep your pecker up (surely not a problem at 13?) , learn that to get what you want you have to work really, really hard and then, if you follow his advice you will become a SUCCESS in life. You are invited to comment, follow him on Twitter, enter beguiling competitions in which the prize is (and I do not jest) a personal coaching session with the Commander of Time himself (either via iPhone or IM).
I have no doubt that by the time he reaches the age of majority he will own the futuristic equivalent of Facebook and be crowned King of the Young Entrepreneurs by Richard Branson who will be 176 by then and will resemble a bronzed prune topped by a thatch of garbled straw affixed to a giant set of gleaming white choppers, much like a walking, talking version of those cartoon caricatures that people have drawn at the seaside in the more downmarket resorts.
I feel a nap coming on.
The Hollywood Bunny visited yesterday all hopped up (sorry, sorry) on her new exciting job, which is making her Very Busy and Important.
I am extremely happy for her as she has had a rough few years with an unpleasant divorce and a career hiatus that was beginning to make her feel rather anxious. Then she found herself this amazing position – all through her own initiative, I might add – and is suddenly crackling with energy and vigour and a renewed sense of self.
It’s very cheering.
She brought with her an entrepreneur’s magazine for us to look at together although I’m not entirely sure why. The lady who owns the magazine is relentlessly successful in a Time Commando sort of way, (main difference: 40 years, more cash and cosmetic work done). Each page is filled with a story of a real-life woman who has achieved her business dream through hard graft, clever marketing, pant suits and spiritual thought.
This type of article is supposed to be inspiring but seems to have the opposite effect on me and merely makes me feel haughty, contemptuous and take an obscure pride in my status as elegant wastrel artist.
Dismiss fact that I am mostly harried mother of two.
Also dismiss fact that book not very far along, possibly only still in first chapter, maybe even first page.
The only content of mild interest was a photo of Angelina Jolie looking very unpolished and rather wrinkled. Hard to believe she’d sanctioned letting that one out for publication.
Hollywood Bunny was prevented from drawing me further into what-type-of-marketing-techniques-were-most-effective kinds of conversations as One was trying to smear Easter egg chocolate all over her nice clothes.
Good boy.
Mummy does not want to use her left brain.
She does not want to work hard.
She only wants the trappings of success in a mild, not terribly convinced sort of way.
But wouldn’t mind getting past page 1 of my book.
I must stop posting on this blog, it’s getting in the way.
I am beginning to suspect there might be only so many words in the day?
But if I stopped posting then nobody would ever comment or write back and I’d be lonely and start talking to the wall again who is not a particularly chatty sort. Wahhh!
Any solutions out there for this particular conundrum?
* suggestions for Time Commando type exercises will result in sudden death (mine).
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I’m wondering where exactly the praise stops? 😉 Ha
Thanks for the kind words, I appreciate it to the sky and back. One thing though: “TimecommandER”.
Dan Miranda’s last blog post..6 Ways Get Out of a Rut
Time Commando clearly complete toss-pot and to be avoided at all costs. Meanwhile, please continue to blog.
Dan, suitably chastised on the spelling error. Hope that you will remember me with some kind of charity when I am old lady in state-sponsored home for the elderly and infirm and you are whizzing by in your private jet surrounded by minions and instead of laughing hysterically and saying “See!? This is what happens when you allow yourself to squander optimism and time” you will hand me a packet of biscuits and tell me comforting lies.
Gill. I will try to keep blogging but hope, desperately to get past page 1, line 1, word 1 of Booker prize winning novel: “It was a dark and stormy night..”
Gosh…TimecommandER…energy, focus, determination; I feel all wimpy and mushy and English now. Nooooo, don’t stop posting. Books take time to write, you MUST procrastinate, eat biscuits and drink tea; everyone knows that; says she who has written nothing and can’t even get it together to post on her blog on a semi-regular basis. TIMECOMMANDER ; I need youuuuuu!!! (Do you think he sorts out babies and sleep deprivation too?)
katherine’s last blog post..Books I’ve nearly read or "You! Yes you at the back! Conentrate!"
Who is the Hollywood Bunny?
Do you know there is a bad writing contest named after the much maligned dark and stormy night guy.
I would say something about the Time Commander, but he is just a kid (really) and we all knew someone who thought they knew everything at that age and we all know what happens later.
Success through pant suits? Ugh.
You have ambitions, you just dont have the ambitions other people want you to have. Forget them. Seriously.
Thanks so much for dropping by Mothership. It would seem that you and I are in a race to finish that first page of Booker Prize winning novel…… Blogging just seems to get in the way, however. Someone said to me the other day, Wife, if you really were going to write a book, I think you’d have done it by now.
Ouch! Harsh but fair. And yet I will prevail. Looking forward to reading more of your blog.
Wife in Hong Kong’s last blog post..Return of the Reluctant HR Manager
Book, schmook. There are so many books, but only one Mothership blog. Blog on, Mothership, blog on. I have no time for books, only blogs (sad commentary on status of free time). BTW, placing a marshmallow “Peep” in the oven at 350 degrees F results in absolutely nothing dramatic.
As we discussed earlier, I often feel that what I write is heading out, un-intercepted, into cyberspace to become the “noise” that some alien equivalent of SETI will try to unravel thousands of years from now.
I have no solution to the time commando conundrum. I feel the same pain.
But at least my 13 year old is a normal, procrastinating, obstinate, annoying guy who’d rather play video games and probably has no idea what “SEO” stands for.
I get points for that, don’t I?
The Mother’s last blog post..Censorship? That’s MY Job
I love how everybody is telling me, or implying, that I’m not “normal”. Really, it is quite laughable. If you want a freakin’ biography of me I’ll happily give it to you.
Dan Miranda’s last blog post..6 Ways Get Out of a Rut
Katherine. I’m so glad you are with me on the tea and biscuits as a very necessary and frequent stop en route to Booker stardom. I don’t know if Dan (Time CommanDER) will agree with us here, but I’m sure we can work out a compromise
Jessica. You have not met the Hollywood Bunny but she is an old mate of mine, see last Bambino Goodies post. I am growing foolish fond of the Time Commander and yes, he is a kid. Let’s see where he goes with all this. I’ll be staying tuned.
Domestic: I am sincerely flattered by your encouragement. I am sure I will continue to blog, if only because I suffer from plot inadequacies and comment whoredom. I am fascinated by the Peeps tip. I have just remembered we bought some and they are festering in a drawer, uneaten. Do you think they would survive nuclear armageddon along with cockroaches?
The Mother: I am oddly comforted by the thought of aliens trying to understand the minutiae of my daily life. Will they get the concept of irony? This is not widespread even on our own planet.. We all get points just for having given birth and survived parenthood. Yes, I am awarding them indiscriminately, but with more weighting towards people who comment regularly and are funny. That’s you.
Dan, my lovely young Time Commander. Do not fret or take these things personally. You may notice, if you read through my posts and the comments, that none of us is normal. This is the point of this type of writing. However, that being said, I have a proposal for you. Rather than taking umbrage at we curmudgeonly oldies, see us as a challenge and our humour as an opportunity to parry with some reasonably good natured obstacles. Why not allow me to interview you on my blog and see what that brings you? You will be in for some teasing and incredulity, but you will also increase your readership, your resilience and it throws the door open to a wider world. What do you say? Let us know what normal is, or isn’t, for one particular 13 year old boy.
I’m all for an interview. It would be… intriguing for sure.
Dan Miranda’s last blog post..6 Ways Get Out of a Rut
Dan, it is not normal; not many teenagers would envisage a blog such as yours (my 13 year stepdaughter writes one and it is quite different from yours) “not normal” is not a bad thing though; as Mothership states, none of us are really, or we’d have different hobbies (cleaning, washing…that sort of thing!). So, in 24 years time, if evolve from a “not normal” 13 year old (I was) and people describe you as “just a tad eccentric”, then you have to worry! You obviously have stuff to convey and it would be nice to read an interview. Now where’s my cuppa and the kids Easter eggs? I eat them for their own good you understand?
katherine’s last blog post..Books I’ve nearly read or "You! Yes you at the back! Conentrate!"
You keep on blogging matey. The wall doesn’t answer back, we do
Tawny’s last blog post..Guiding fun…..
Put the peeps in the microwave (and turn it on) on a paper plate. Watch what happens.
Don’t talk to wall or you’ll be Shirley Valentine – you don’t want to end up snogging some bloke with a dodgy looking moustache! Keep blogging and whilst you’re at it, please could you tell me what a marshmallow peep is? I remember Rachel from friends saying she looked like one when she wore the pink bridesmaid dress to Mindy and Barry’s wedding. And is it cruel to put them in microwaves?
thatgirl39’s last blog post..Mille-feuille…….
Envisioning new blog post: “What to do with the Peeps that have invaded your home during Easter.” Thanks for the tip, Jessica K!
Blogging gets in the way of everything, but in my experience, if you try to cut down on it for the reason that you’ll do other stuff instead, it just doesn’t work.
Mind you, if even Angelina Jolie can’t cheat time, what hope is there for the rest of us?
Iota’s last blog post..Easter Monday movie titles game
Apologies to the Time Commander, but he just makes me laugh – mainly because I had no idea how busy life could be until very recently – much less at 13!!!!
Although I certainly felt like my dance card was full at 13, and even later at 30 thought it could get no fuller, I never realised just how full it could get (and how much I could really do in 24 hours) until I became a wife, entrepreneur and mother of 2 (in that order).
I’m sure he’s full of lovely advice, but my advice for him is this: go out and enjoy your life Dan!!! You’re only 13 once so get full use of all that freedom and silliness, and save the seriousness for later – trust me, there comes a point where the silliness will be hard to come by, and you’ll miss it.
Mothership – I judge your future book by your blog – and thus I love it already
Have a cuppa for me and I’ll send some “inspiration Parisienne” your way…
About the “silliness” in life: there is a time and place for it and I will definitely find time for it as an adult.
Dan Miranda’s last blog post..6 Ways Get Out of a Rut
Tawny, thanks for the encouragement!
Jess, I’m heading to the ‘wave NOW!
ThatGirl39, they are sugar covered marshmallow shapes of bunnies and chicks (pink or yellow). Very synthetic. http://www.marshmallowpeeps.com/
Domestic: when are we going to see this post on your blog? Where IS your blog?
Iota, this is not good news re. cutting down on the blogging unless, of course, I write my Booker winner in that time. And as for Angelina, I was rather thinking that it was comforting that she is as imperfect as the rest of us?
Jaime: One of the interesting things about Time Commander that I have discovered is that although he is full of interesting advice. re not wasting time, he is bang on age development in terms of receiving wisdom from elders. Last night I advised him to go to bed on Twitter and was admonished in no uncertain adolescent terms, so we can surmise he is pretty normal in other areas 😉
Dan: I hope you are going to remain as loyal a commenter when the posts/comments are not about you. That is the least you can do in terms of good blogging manners and also proof of non-adolescent narcissism
You bet I will! I’ve caught up on some other posts, you have gained faithful reader in me.
Dan Miranda’s last blog post..How Being the Energizer Bunny Can Help Your Productivity
Tried the Peeps in the microwave on a regular plate (not paper). Nothing fancy. Son was decidedly not impressed. Perhaps I need the paper plate, though not sure why. Will try more Easter candy experiments! At least I won’t end up eating it all…
Mothership – thanks for the reassurance 😉
Ok so this is the thing. Dan Commander aside…YOU are fantastic and brilliant and the most amazing writer ever and you can write a novel whilst sipping tea and blogging and procrastinating and doing all the things you do just because you are you and YOU can do it. And guess what – I haven’t read any self-help books either. I’m just saying it because you (and one other although I’m not saying who) are my favourite bloggers and you have me in stitches each and every time I read your posts and that’s all I have to say really. It’s like when I first started to drive – I thought bloody hell I’m never going to be able to do this. And then I thought about all the weird and wonderful people who were able to drive and I thought if they can they I definitely can. So think about all the non-talented writers and get going girlie. I’ll buy your book and a few more for all my friends too…
Maternal Tales’s last blog post..Competitiveness. Good or bad?
You know what, mothership? I used to want to write a book. But I cannot even be arsed to try. And I just don’t care! Isn’t that awful? Occasionally I feel envious of people who get agents and book deals, but never enough to actually get off my fat m*therfucker ass and do anything about it. So crap. Plus I couldn’t be a writer, too lonely. I need PEOPLE. So a big pat on the back to you for even trying, that’s what I say, baby. (p.s. Madge story!!!!! p.p.s SO impressed that you’ve embraced the YOOT market in this post – do you feel like Demi Moore?!)
Cassandra’s last blog post..Elephantine
Dan. I’m going to indulge Cassandra next with my Madge’s Boyfriend story. I am not sure you should read that one. Gulp.
Domestic. That is disappointing. I must go and try it with ours. I wonder where I hid them? Probably find them next Easter, shriveled and solidified.
Jaime, watch this space, I’m thinking up interview questions!
Maternal Tales. That is quite the nicest comment I’ve ever had. I’m going to cut and paste it and print it out and read it every day!!! And I will keep on trying to write that book, one letter at a time. That is all I can manage, I am at about the same pace as Four (worrying that she will overtake me soon)
Cassandra> i am going to get going on the Madge tale. Might take a bit of dredging up, was a fair while ago.. And, Demi Moore. Hmm. Maybe? She has quite the surgeon, hey? But yes, I have crossed the generational divide, hoping to have teenage tribe following very soon.
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