Last night we had a very pleasant barbeque at our house with A Modern Mother and her charming family who were passing through Stepford.
It was so pleasant that I unwisely drank a few glasses of red wine around the fire-pit while our collective children (five of them) had great fun dismantling all the furniture in the upstairs bedroom. I do not, as a rule, drink any kind of alcohol as it clashes horribly with my migraines – I tend to get crushing pain before I have any fun – but I chewed down a few pills and seemed to be just fine until I woke up at 3.30am with terrifying nightmares of Two plunging to his death from high bridges and couldn’t get back to sleep until 6am which was when he woke up in real life and the day just went downhill from there.
Five starts kindergarten next week – a huge milestone for both of us. I had hoped that these last few days of the summer holidays would provide us both with some final cherished memories of the preschool years, the library story times together, the imaginative play, the last vestiges of her babyishness before she goes off and becomes a big girl at big school and shakes off this stage of her life.
But things are not going according to plan.
She has decided to enter adolescence a few years early and spends much of her time rolling her eyes at me, shouting at the whole family, unprovoked, and making scathing comments about almost anything I might suggest
“Would you like some lunch?”
“NO! I SAID I’m NOT HUNGRY!!”
oh, ok then.
“Shall we go to the library today or would you prefer the zoo?”
“OH! WHY do you ALWAYS ASK ME THAT?? I’M SICK OF BOOKS AND ANIMALS!!!”
oh. ok then.
“Please can you not be rude to me, Five. I don’t like that kind of behaviour.”
“FINE!” bursts into inconsolable tears.
This happens approximately 20 times per day. The rest of the day she’s lovely and charming. We’re baffled. I even went so far as to ring a child psychologist to make an appointment which I will keep but she assured us that most of this sounded developmental and that Five was mostly annoyed that I was beginning to show clay feet – life had a bit of pain in it and as her mother, I was failing to protect her from it all as I had previously been able to do. Not only that, but as I was setting boundaries (shockingly denying chocolate for breakfast) I was actually the AGENT of pain. That is why I am the meanest mom on the planet.
Why was I not warned about this? More stuff that nobody tells you about!! What’s coming next?! OMG?!
I was so sure that I was going to have the patience of a saint and that my little girl was not going to feel like this about me, but look at her! She is furious and I feel completely useless in the face of her rage. And actually I am fairly annoyed myself and would like her to shut up and snap out of it but of course I don’t say this.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t want to.
Do any of you have temperamental children like this?
What do you do?
(apart from take to drink – I think we’ve ascertained this is not a good option for me)
{ 16 comments }
Yes, I have one just like this at home, only bigger. Known as Mimi La Strop for a very good reason, her temperament is like an April in England. One moment she’s sunny, next squalls, then hailstone and flooding. I am (obviously) the stupidest mother to ever appear on the planet because all of my ideas are risible- in fact I am now ‘Mother’ rather than ‘Mum’. I respond by reinforcing my demand for good manners and by trying to remember the billion disempowerments of being clever and fifteen. Suffice it to say, when she squalls it’s like a typhoon, but there never was more brilliant or glorious sunshine.
Trefusis Minor is *exactly* the same. Such a relief to hear I’m not alone. X
What? At 5 years of age? You’ve got to be joking. I have absolutely no clue what I would do. Boarding school? Shout back? Thank god, I am alcohol agrees very well with me.
Damn it. There’s an ‘am’ too much. Maybe I should reconsider and stay off the booze?
MinxMarple, I think Five is understudying your girl. It’s driving me demented. Thank God I have Two. His occasional toddler tantrum is a walk in the park compared to the drama of the queen..
Mrs T. I can’t tell you how relieved I am that Trefusis Minor is of a similar bent. Very sorry for you, of course, but at least I know it’s not because I am pond-life scum of motherhood. However have revised plans to introduce them to each other.
Metropolitan Mum. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
My three and half is much like your five. We never quite know what will set her off; running out of her favourite cereal, a pair of leggings being too tricky to put on and my trying to help, telling her that she can’t watch TV every night….. Its exhausting.
What” works” is empathy, writing stuff down (kids love it when we take them seriously enough to write things down, I use my iphone to do list!) and problem solving. “You sounds really upset” “Lets make a shopping list right now, you we ran out of breakfast worms (Don’t ask), is there anything else you can think of that we need” ) Get child to help write the list too, great distraction. “What could we do to make sure this doen;t happen again?” (Suggest ideas, solicit some from child, write them down
If you haven;’t read “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk” give it a go, it is my bible.
My daughter still has these crazy ups and downs, but at least I can feel that I am helping her. Very best of luck.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good she was very, very good
But when she was bad she was horrid.
Ah, yes, the ‘five-going-on-twenty-five’ syndrome. I also know it well.
As I have zero tolerance for drama queens and can shout MUCH louder than any of my children, they get relegated to the garage for time out if rules are not obeyed.
It seems to work although I am sure the neighbours have reported us to social services by now.
In sympathy
LCM
As a veteran of four, I can tell you that 1) this behavior is absolutely normal in kids as they start pushing their boundaries. 2) you are supposed to stand firm and be mean. If you don’t, the kid doesn’t learn about aforementioned boundaries, and 3) it sounds like your child psychologist has a screw loose. Setting boundaries makes you the agent of pain? Gheezsh.
This process of pushing and pulling will go on until she’s 20, so get used to it. Having a steel backbone is highly recommended.
Littleboy 1 (4) can often act like a moody teenager, so much so that we dread what he will be like as an actual teenager. I reckon it must be hormones. Hopefully there’ll be a calm time, somewhere between six and thirteen, where they are sunny-tempered angels…..
Perhaps she is bored, and school will help a lot. And I’m not meaning to give you a stick to beat yourself up with, by suggesting she is bored. You are obviously doing lots of interesting stuff (libraries, the zoo). I think they just get to an age where they need more experience outside the home and outside the safety zone of Mom.
My guess is that she is just showing she is good and ready for the next stage. Has anyone warned you that will come home completely exhausted for the first few weeks, and either sit and do nothing, or be all weepy and demanding, or perhaps in her case shout at you more than usual? But then it will settle down.
Just a guess.
Could you try witholding attention until she says the phrase in an acceptable way? So you ignore the “I SAID I’m NOT HUNGRY” and repeat the question. Then she repeats the answer. Then you ignore it and repeat the question. This will obviously make her angrier, but eventually you could say “I’m ignoring your answer to my question, because it is said in a rude tone of voice. I will listen to your answer when you can find a nice way of saying it.’ You may need to give her an example. Phase 2 would be to do all the ignoring, and not even to say that is what you’re doing. Just don’t respond at all. But if she wakes up to what is going on and rephrases her answer, then respond as quick as a flash, with a compliment “you’ve said that really nicely, thank you”.
You’re probably rolling your eyes at this point and feeling like saying ‘THAT will NEVER WORK, I think it’s RIDICULOUSLY NAIVE”.
And one final comment, I think kids pick a lot of this stuff up from tv. I don’t know if she watched I, Carly, or Drake and Josh, but if she does, then I’d get her back onto Angelina Ballerina, and Max and Ruby as quick as poss.
Geekymummy, we had that sort of thing earlier on and it was easier to deal with when she was smaller. Now she’s smarter and more targeted in her anger it’s harder. She gets empathy and funnily enough it makes her angrier! I will check out the book, though. Thanks.
Shrinkrap. Are you referring to ME?
LondonCityMum. I do the time outs. Our stair corner is well worn! Still, how much punishment can one girl take (that’s both of us?).
Mother. Of course setting boundaries makes you the agent of pain. You set a boundary, they don’t like it, ergo you cause the pain (from their perspective). It makes sense to me. Previously I had prevented all pain in her life and now things are sometimes crap regardless of my input. Life’s not fair, eh?
NVG. I PRAY for the sunny interval. PRAY FOR IT!!! I hear boys are better. Please?
Iota. I hope you’re right re. school. She has definitely been worse this summer without preschool. I do the ignoring thing. It semi-works.
And as for TV, she doesn’t watch it. She gets the occasional (and I mean less than a couple of times per week) netflixed preschool program and has NEVER seen any of those ghastly tween heroes, TG. She seems to have found this behaviour all on her own. Or maybe it’s since she met the other kids at camp? I hope the kindergarten mix will not make her worse…
I bet a lot of it is nervousness about this new stage in her life. We see a lot of that sort of thing during these big transitions, such as the end of school, the end of summer, the Christmas break, etc. Faced with the change in routine and the fear of the unknown, they get more than a bit stroppy. For my kids, it can last a month or so into the school year before we realize, Hey! People are nice again!
I second the recommendation of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. Also, their partner book, Siblings Without Rivalry. A little dated, but bang-on advice.
Hang in there, it will get better soon, and then you’ll have some great times with Two alone, plus terrific school stories and antics when Five gets home.
Our boy wonder is nearly 18 now. He has cultivated such an air of superiority it’s beyond comprehension (a friend once gave me a pillow that read “Hire a teenager while they still know everything), but the shouting and rudeness have largely gone.
It wasn’t always so. One time I lost my cool and screamed, and I saw a small smirk on the corner of his mouth. Once I realized he was enjoying setting me off, I vowed to not let him get to me to the extent humanly possible.
What worked with him when he was younger was to set a reasonable boundary with a reasonable consequence for exceeding it, and letting him have the choice of crossing the line. The consequences changed as he got older of course (from tv to computer to internet to socializing). But once he realized that unacceptable behavior A resulted in unappealing consequence B, he managed to toe the line more often than not.
Another trick I employed to good use was taught to me by the father of the family with whom we shared a nanny when we lived in London. When his son flew into a rage, he (the father) would immediately lower his voice almost to a whisper. The child would simply have to pipe down in order to hear the father speak. That, and I think the lower tone was subliminally quite soothing.
All that said, Five sounds like a splendidly normal child and you like a splendidly normal, caring mother. Hang in there and enjoy the sunshine when you have it!
xo
My 3-year-old has been doing this for a couple months and it is highly, highly frustrating. She actually gets red in the face and roars at me “I. DON’T. CAAAAAARE!!” when I tell her she’s not allowed to do something or needs to stop some kind of naughty behaviour. Jesus H, I thought I had another few years before this shit started up. Guess I’m screwed with regards to the teenage years.
Bring me my smelling salts and a bottle of gin…and then pull up a chair. We’ll both need it!
So sorry about the headaches darling. I do have to say that meeting you and your lovely family was a highlight of the week!
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